Silent

Chapter 7

I've been avoiding both of my brothers for the past week. Ever since I had that conversation with Luke, I felt like I couldn't even look him in the eye anymore. I didn't deserve to look at anyone anymore.

The bad thoughts were getting stronger so I was able to get my appointment bumped up a little. I don't think these anti- depressants are working like they should. The only bad thing was my appointment was at 3pm, so that was almost a guarantee of someone seeing me leave.

I hurriedly snuck past my brothers who were watching movies on the couch. As luck would have it, the door creaked as soon as I opened it. Two annoying heads whipped to my direction at the sudden noise, but I was already gone.

-
As soon as I arrived in the waiting room, I noticed there was a girl staring at me. I started to get nervous. What if she was a fan? If she was, and she leaked, 'Jai Brooks is receiving Mental Help', then that would not be good publicity. I put my hood farther down my face to try to hide from her. It obviously didn't work because she walked over and sat down next to me.

"You're Jai Brooks, aren't you?" The mystery girl asked. I gulped nervously. She was a fan and that was not good.

"Yes, I am." I decided to just be honest. I did not want to cause a scene.

"Well, then." she smiled, scaring me a little bit.

"Look. Please don't tell anyone you saw me here today. That would not be good for my image.

"Image?" She raised an eyebrow at me before rolling her eyes dramatically. "I don't care about your image?"

"What do you want?" I groaned.

"I don't want anything from you, Jai. I'm more of a Luke girl." She chuckled. "I guess I could take pity, though. Hmm. Hand me your phone."

"What?" I was confused. Why did this strange girl want my phone? I didn't even know her name, yet she wanted me to hand her my phone.

"Tick tock. We don't have all day, Jai-Jai!" Mystery girl demanded. She was very pushy, too. I decided to take a chance and handed her my phone.

"What are you doing?" I asked.

"Obviously giving you my number, so I can just manipulate you later when we both have more time." She replied like that was the most obvious answer in the world. She handed my phone back to me after tapping on it a few more times. I was honestly very confused. She gave me her number just like that.

"How do you know I'll actually call you?" I asked curiously.

"You will. Trust me."

I was about to say something back to her, but my name was called. I couldn't help but wonder what she wanted me to do. Then again, she said she was a Luke girl, so she probably just wanted to meet my twin.

I walked into Dr. King's office with a heavy mind and an even heavier heart. I don't really understand why so many of our fans seem to prefer Luke to me. It hurts a lot, but it's worse when they have the nerve to say it to my face. I know I'm not Luke, but we are twins so that has to count for at least something.

"Ah, Jai. Nice to see you!" Dr. king greeted cheerfully. "Let's just get down to business. Did you have a bad reaction to the anti-depressants I prescribed?"

"I've just been feeling really numb and empty since I started taking them. I don't really remember it being like that last time."

"Well, you are a little older now. Do you happen to take any vitamins?" She asked.

"No, I don't take anything except for the antidepressants you subscribed." I was confused. What did vitamins have to do with anything?

"I would like to keep you on this antidepressant for a little longer, but I also want you to go to your local drugstore and purchase a standard Men's MultiVitamin. There's been recent studies showing that vitamins may boost the effectiveness of antidepressants. If that's okay with you, I think it's definitely worth a try." She explained. I thought about it. The antidepressant always worked when I was younger. If a vitamin helped it work again, then that was perfectly okay with me.

"Okay sounds good." I replied.

"Great! Now that that's taken care of. How's your week going? Anything you'd specifically like to talk about?" Dr. king asked. I thought about it. There was just so much going on with me lately.

"I haven't been talking to anyone except for my twin brother, Luke." I said after thinking for a little while. Dr. King's expression remained impassive, but her eyes held a bit of disappointment in them. I was doing so well. She was the one who had helped me get better, but now I had slipped and fell in that metaphoric rut that so many people warned me about last time.

"Why haven't you been talking, Jai?" She asked.

"People get mad at me when I talk. I only ever annoy people, so why should I even deserve to talk?" I reasoned.

"While it is good to not want to annoy people, you can't go your whole life without talking to the majority of people you interact with. What's to say those people aren't annoying to you? You are you and you're unique, Jai. Don't let what others think ruin that."

"But, I've already gone a few weeks without talking. It's normal for me now."

"You can talk whenever you feel ready to talk again, but you don't need to push yourself. Your mental health is more important than trying to avoid upsetting everyone you meet. Are you still self-harming?" Dr. King changed the subject after that last little bit of advice. I didn't really want to tell her, but I feel like I had to. She was trying to help me so I needed to try too.

"Yes. I cut at least once a day, but I'm not ready to stop yet."

"I see. You don't have to, but I think it would be good for you to at least tell one person that you're self-harming, Jai. You're friends and family want to help you, not lose you."

"I'll think about it." I agreed before leaving.

I didn't really have anyone I could tell. No one actually wanted to acknowledge my depression in the past, and I'm pretty sure my Mum would freak out if I told her I cut myself every day. This was really starting to stress me out. As I was walking home, I took my lighter out and clicked the button to make the flame appear. I stared at it. I had always wondered what it would be like to burn myself instead of cutting.

I held the flame against the skin inside my wrist. I immediately jerked my hand back in shock. My wrist was burning quite badly and I could practically smell the burnt skin. It hurt, but not in the same way cutting did. With cutting, I could feel the quick rush of adrenaline. But when I burnt myself, it was a lingering type of pain that wasn't fully going away. I don't know if I liked that or not.