Silent

Chapter 5

I had an appointment with Dr. King in two days. I wish it was now, but at the same time I wish that it never comes. It's kind of weird how you know you need help, but at the same time your mind tries to prevent you from actually getting that help.

I obviously needed help. I had apparently freaked Luke out, and he never freaks out. He was the one who didn't even bat an eye when I would cry my heart out as a teenager.

Luke was right about a bruise forming on my forehead. When I woke up this morning, I looked in the mirror and saw a huge bruise spread across my forehead. No one else has seen it yet, but I don't think Beau will even care.

I sighed as I made my way out of my room and towards the kitchen. I hadn't even much in a couple of days and I could already tell I was starting to lose a bit of weight from it. I needed food in my body now, before anyone got too suspicious. I was already not talking. If I stopped eating on top of that, it wouldn't be good.

I wasn't even mad at my brothers anymore. I kind of liked not talking. I didn't say any of the usual things I say that just makes everyone angry.

"Jai-Jai!" Beau sing-singed pouncing on me. I pushed him off of me before continuing to the fridge for some water and an apple. "Are you still mad at me?"

I shook my head no. I really wasn't angry, and I don't think I really ever was. I was mainly just hurt.

I left Beau standing in the kitchen and started to head back to my room. Before I could make it, though, someone grabbed me and dragged me onto another room. It was Luke again.

"Jai. We need to talk." Luke squeezed his eyes shut. "No better yet. Why aren't you talking?"

I shrugged. I didn't want to talk. It was pointless to talk.

"Jai talk to me. I'm your twin. You can't just leave me like this. You have to-"

"Like you ever cared." I whispered before I could stop myself. My voice came out a little hoarse and husky since I hadn't really used it much in a couple of days.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Luke got in my face. He was obviously angry about what I had said to him.

I covered my waes with my hands and shook my head. I messed up once, but that didn't mean I was going to make the same mistake. I shouldn't talk. I it make things worse when I do.

"I know you can talk, Jai. I just heard you." Tears started to form in Luke's eyes. I couldn't take it anymore. I pushed him away and ran back to my room. I couldn't do this. That was for sure.

I ran to my bathroom. I decided I needed to add a few more cuts to my collection. I just had to talk and ruin everything. I yanked down my pants and pretty soon there were bloody cuts added to the already bright red scars on my thighs.

-
It took forever, but the two days had passed. My appointment was at 8:00 this morning, so I figured I could slip out undetected and make it back before anyone noticed I was gone.

I debated not even walking in the office I knew so well. I was fine. I was simply being dramatic.

Tell that to my thighs.

I took a deep breathe and walked inside the office. After signing myself in, I took a seat and started shaking my leg anxiously. I didn't want to be here, but I knew I needed to do this.

"Jai Brooks." I heard my named called, before following a short brunette into the office I had spent so much time in as a young teenager.

"Jai!" Dr. King spoke warmly as I sat down in her office. "How nice to see you again."

"You too, Dr. King." I anxiously rubbed my hands on my thighs before hissing in pain. I noticed Dr. King purse her lips at this action.

"So, Jai." She started, "What's going on? I know it has to be something for you to come back to see me willingly."

"I've just..." I trailed off. "I've just been having some trouble lately."

"I see." She wrote something down in a notebook. "Care to elaborate?"

"Bad thoughts." I rushed out, "I've been having really bad, depressing thoughts lately...thoughts I don't want to say out loud."

"Okay, what about bad habits?" She gave me a pointed look. This is why I trusted Dr. King. She didn't care if I refused to talk about something, she just honestly wanted to help me. "Have you slipped back into any old habits?"

"I've started to self-harm again." I confessed.

"I'm glad you told me, Jai. Were you wanting to try anti-depressants again?"

"Yeah."

"I'm going to prescribe the same one as last time." She paused writing something down. "You're a bit older now, so it could possibly affect you differently this time. If that happens I want you to call immediately and we'll try something else."

"Thanks." I murmured.

"Okay and I guess I'll see you in two weeks." She scribbled something down on a different paper and handed it to me. "Just give this to Sharon and your good to go."
-
The pharmacy was able to get my prescription in right away, so I decided to pick up my anti-depressants before heading home.

I stared down at the orange and white bottle in my hand. I thought I was passed this. I was better, but now I know how wrong about that I was. I sighed for the millionth time today.

It was 11:00 by the time I finally made it home. The boys were no doubt awake, and I didn't know if they knew I was gone or not. I braced myself as I shoved my meds in my pocket and pushed the door open. I was met with a pacing Luke and a confused Beau.

"Where were you!?" Luke yelled, making me jump. I knew this was one occasion I actually had to talk to him.

"Nowhere. Just went for a walk." I avoided Luke's gaze. He always could tell when I was lying. Luke dramatically rolled his eyes at my answer.

"Okay. Sure, and I'm an only child." He said sarcastically. I rolled my eyes and pushed past him, grabbed a bottle of water from the fridge, and headed up to my room. I took my pills out and removed one from the bottle. I quickly swallowed it before hiding the bottle in my dresser. No one could find out about them.