Open This When...

chapter twenty

After adding to my room, I feel a bit better. I have everything but the fairy lights off, and they're casting a soft, comforting gold glow on my walls. I lie down in bed and it suddenly feels as if I haven't slept in a week. I'm so tired that everything aches. I pull the covers around myself and bury my face in the pillows. I'm asleep before I  know it.

I'm standing in Eli's front yard, how did I get here? I don't remember leaving my room, I'm still in pajamas, what am I doing here? The front door opens and Eli comes out, he has his keys.

"Be careful, please." His mom says.

"I always am."

"Eli!" I yell. But he doesn't seem to hear me. He gets into the car and pulls out of the driveway. "Eli, Wait!" I run in front of the car, hoping he'll see me and stop, but he doesn't. I expect it to hurt, to be scary, but it doesn't and it's not because the car goes right through me. Somehow I know that things will be different today, I know something bad is going to happen and I'm completely powerless to stop it. I watch as he drives down the road, completely unaware that his life is going to end soon. I run to the house. "You have to stop him!" I scream at the top of my lungs. "Make him come back!" But no one hears me, and then, I hear the loudest sound I've ever heard in my life, then sirens and crying, Who's crying? I realize it's me who's crying.

I shoot up in bed, my hair is matted to my forehead with sweat and I'm shaking, my breathing is shallow and rough. It was only a nightmare, of course it was, but it all felt too real, It felt like I was there, seeing everything, but I was helpless. I couldn't help him, and that's the worst part of all of it. I get up and head to the bathroom. I turn the shower on, then back off, then on again, I really do need a shower, but I'm so tired, I feel too tired to stand, to even sit up. I turn the shower off again and head downstairs.

"I'm going for walk, I need some fresh air."

"Are you ok?" Mom asks. "You were asleep for so long."

"What time is it?"

"Five-thirty, make sure you're back by the time it gets dark."

"Okay." I head outside, it's colder than I expected it to be, but I don't bother going back for a jacket. I don't have far to walk.

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This is the first time I've seen the little roadside memorial. It feels weird being here, at the exact spot he crashed his car, but for some reason, it feels necessary. Maybe because of the nightmare, maybe because I'm the only one who hasn't seen it, I'm not sure. The wind blows, rustling the tattered ribbons and dead flowers. I touch it gently, as if it's a living thing that requires the gentlest of touches, and draw my hand back. People have put laminated pictures from the year book, from parties, from after school events, there are also flowers that look fresh. I get up and brush my pants off.

"I'll bring something next time, I promise." I whisper.