Open This When...

Chapter twenty-six

Callie is curled up in her new bed, sleeping.

"Oh, she is so cute! I just cant get over it!" Sarah squeals.

"She's so tiny, too." Kayla says.

"Eli would have loved her." I say. Ignoring the sadness that spikes through my chest.

"You ok, Em?" Sarah asks.

"Yeah. I'm good." I say taking a deep breath. "I just really miss him. Its only been five months."

"We miss him too, he made you so happy." Kayla says. I blink away the tears that are threating to fall.

"Hey, can you guys stay here? I want to go by the cemetery, I want to tell him about Callie."

"Of course."

"Thanks, I won't be long."

"Just take your time, Emma, we'll be here."

"Well, the cemetery closes at six, its five fifteen now." Kayla and Sarah laugh, and I do too, and it feels good to kill some of the sadness in my chest. "I'll be back."

***************

I kneel down by Elis grave.

"Hey, Eli, it's been a while, and I'm sorry about that. But I wanted to come and tell you I got a kitten, I named her Callie, she's so sweet and cute, I love her so much. I think you really would have liked her." I sigh. "I still miss you like crazy, and, the fact that the new year is just weeks away is terrifying to me. I don't want to face it without you, but I'm going to, it won't be easy. There's going to be a lot more firsts without you." I shut my eyes. "Anyway, I should get going. I love you." As Im walking back to my car, I bust into tears. I slide into the driver seat and open the glove box, I pull my letters out. I find Open this when youre crying.

Dear Emma, Im so sorry youre hurting, I hope it isnt something Ive done, and, if it is, I will do anything to make it right again, I love you, and I dont like seeing you cry. I really wish there was some magic spell to make all the sad, bad, and downright awful things in this world go away, but unfortunately, there isnt, but I promise to protect you from the worst of it, there is nothing I would not do for you. Please never forget that.

I fold the letter up and put it back in the envelope. I almost wish I had picked a different letter, because now he's not here to protect me or love me or anything and that thought alone hurts enough to make me start crying again. I wait until I'm calm to drive again. When I get home, I sit in the car, hoping the heat will make my face red enough to pass off the Oh, no, I wasnt crying, it was the heat. Lie. When I've composed myself enough, I go back inside.

"Oh! There you are, we were starting to worry." Kayla says.

"Have you been crying?" Sarah asks.

"No, it's just from having the heat on in the car."

"Okay." She says, but I know she doesn't believe me. "Let's order a pizza."

"Oh, you could have ordered one while I was out."

"It's ok, we wanted to wait, it seemed rude not to." Kayla says.

"It wouldn't have bothered me any." I say. "I'm going to bring these upstairs." I say, waving the letters. "Go ahead and order pizza. I'm cool with almost anything."

*************

That night, I can't seem to fall asleep, so I get up and put coffee on, then, I go upstairs for the letters, but then I decide one was enough for today, and I grab a book instead. When I get back downstairs, Sarah and Kayla are up.

"Oh, I'm sorry, did I wake you guys up?"

"No, the smell of coffee woke me up and I woke Sarah up." Kayla says.

"Yeah, the only reason I'm up is because there's coffee. What time is it, anyway? Like six in the morning? Its still dark."

"Um, actually, it's two in the morning, I couldn't sleep."

"Oh, is everything ok? I mean. Did you have a nightmare or something?"

"No, I mean, no, I didn't have a nightmare, and yes, everything is ok, I just have trouble sleeping sometimes."

"You have sleep medicine, right?"

"Yeah, but I don't really like to take it that often, it gives me nightmares sometimes, and other times, I wake up feeling like I haven't slept."

"How often do you do this? Not sleep at night, I mean."

"Not often, tonight was the first night in a long time." It's a half-truth, but I feel like I've worried them enough. "I'm ok." I say, another half-truth. "I think the coffee is done."