Open This When...

Chapter twenty-four

"Emma? Are you ok? You spaced out on me." Mom says.

"Oh, yeah, sorry, I'm kind of tired. I've not really been sleeping well."

"Have you been taking your sleep medicine?"

"No, I forgot I had it, I'll take it tonight though."

"I'm worried about you, Emma. You're so pale and it looks like you've lost weight, and you aren't sleeping."

"I am sleeping, just not well."

"Is the anniversary coming up or something?"

"No, not for another four months, I'm just stressed with school, that's all."

"Well, Christmas break is soon, we'll go somewhere nice."

"Okay." I say. "Oh.. ah.. my coffee is cold."

"It's okay, we can bring it home and you can save it for later." I nod.

"Mom? Can we go to the cemetery? I need to see him again."

"Of course, honey."

"I want to get flowers or something, I need to bring something."

"We can stop by the florist on the way."

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I kneel by Eli's grave and put the flowers down.

"Christmas break is in two weeks, and I'm not ready to accept that the new year will be starting soon, I'm not ready to accept the fact that I'll be spending Christmas without you for the first time, Halloween was hard, but Christmas... I'm not ready for that. I love you, so much, and I wish I could go back and do something, although, I don't know what I would do or say." I take a deep breath and get up. "I hate leaving you every single time, I'm sorry." I go back to the car. I don't realize I'm crying until mom wipes the tears away.

"I wish there was something I could do to make you feel better. I hate seeing you hurting so badly."

"Is this normal? It's almost been a year. And I still feel like nothing has improved."

"These things take time, honey. And everyone heals differently."

"Does it ever get easier?"

"Over time, it does, but it'll take more than a year, it could take three or four or ten, but one of these days, it will get easier. You're always going to miss him, and you'll always try to find pieces of him in every relationship, serious or not, it's a natural response."

"I can't even think about another relationship right now."

"And that's perfectly fine, it's fine if you aren't ready for a long, long time, you do what's best for you, what feels right to you."

"But what if a relationship never feels right?"

"That's fine, there's nothing wrong with not dating or getting married."

"I'm just afraid. I don't want to be alone, but I'm afraid to get too close to anyone, in case something terrible happens to them. I can't go through this again."

"It's normal to be afraid and confused. But you have time, Emma, you're still so young, one of these days, you'll wake up with things figured out, and I know you may not be able to picture that right now, but it will happen."

"Being young doesn't mean I have time." I blurt out. My cheeks burn and I look away. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean that."

"It's okay." Mom says, smiling. "I know that being young doesn't guarantee that you have time, but as your mother, I like to think you do, I like to think that you're invincible, and that as long as your father and I are around, no harm can come to you, but I know that's not true either, and it scares me."

"I think we're all afraid of something, but not everyone likes to show that fear."

"Exactly, as parents, we don't show our fear, because we don't want you to be afraid."

"Mom?"

"Yes?"

"Can I have a kitten for Christmas? I'm just so lonely all the time."

"Of course you can, sweetie."

"Do you think dad will mind?"

"No, he's been talking about getting you a pet for a while now." She hugs me. "Let's go home, you look exhausted."

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Yes, hello, it's been ages but I'm back now, and now that I've gotten back into typing, I'm hoping to do updates a few times a week. I'm not sure how many updates or when, but I want to update at least 2-3 times a week, on all of my original stories, not just this one. I apologize for the long absence, I've not been motivated to type until now.