| Don't Let Me Be Gone |- Joshler

T H R E E

I didn't go home for hours and hours, it was too much to face the family that didn't see my pain. Maybe they did see it...and they just didn't care. That was how it's was for me I guess.
The sun was up by now and I sighed, knowing that I had to head home regardless of my anger towards my oh-so ignorant family. I walked slowly, watching as the cars zoomed by me. I sighed watching what faces I could spot in he cars passing me. Everyone in those cars seemed so...happy. So carefree. So...repaired. Unbroken. Safe.
I shook my head and cleared my thoughts, which were creeping up on me again trying to convince me to do things. Things I didn't like to do. Thing that hurt me in more than one way.
The walk home was absolutely hell. Every time someone would walk past, they were laughing with their friends or smiling or even holding a loved ones hand. Seeing other people so happy and in love hurt me beyond comprehension. It made me feel so...unwelcome. Unwanted. Unnoticed.
Upon my arrival home, my mom greeted me with one of her cheesy, and almost scary, smiles. "Tyler! There you are!"
I waved. "Hey mom."
She smiled and handed me my phone. "You forgot it."
I nodded and grabbed it out of her hand. "Oh...yeah sorry."
She nodded and walked off, seeming more high than she was normally. No, she doesn't smoke. She's just always had the attitude of a high person. I sighed and sat down on the couch, staring at the bland brown carpet beneath my feet.
Maybe I should sneak out to the woods again. Finally end it for once, finally get some peace. I thought darkly. Finally be happy.
I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. I could feel it again. The rivers behind my brown eyes ready to burst and bring the pain back, ready to wash me with nothing but hurt. I didn't want to cry again, I didn't want to be weak again. Crying was weakness and I hated crying. Tears didn't show a battle, the didn't show you're fighting, they showed your weakness. They showed your struggles. They showed all of the emotions you don't want anyone to see. Tears show too much.
I shook my head vigorously and gritted my teeth. It all started hurting again. I felt myself scratching at my skin, but I didn't care. I opened my eyes and it all came out. The tears, the pain, every spilled out at once and it hurt. Worse than any physical pain, worse than anything I had ever felt. Warm tears stung my cold cheeks but the rivers wouldn't stop coming and drowning me in all the pain. I screamed and threw a pillow at wall then began to wipe the tears away. I would not fucking cry anymore. I wouldn't let it hurt me further. I pushed myself to my feel and hastily ran to my room, locking the door securely behind me.
Then I remembered.
The number. I thought, a bit of hope fluttering in my stomach. Maybe I can talk to him to get my mind off everything.
I lifted my phone up along with my sleeve and started typing in the number and assigning the contact with a name, which of course I did as '🌹Josh🌹'.
Hey, Josh. This is Tyler.
I sent the text and tossed my phone asside, staring up at the ceiling fan watching it spin around. I sighed, moving my hand to rest on my stomach.
Ding.
My head shot up and I reached for my phone, clicking it on and checking my messages.
Oh hey Tyler.
I sighed and quickly texted back my fingers flying across the keyboard.
So...uhm...what you up to?
God I even sounded awkward over text. Sending the text, i sighed and got up from my bed and walked over to my window, looking out it for a brief moment before my phone went off again.
Oh nothing much. I was just practicing the drums.
I laughed a little bit.
You play the drums? That's sick!
I sent it and stared out the window again, watching the sun in the sky. I looked down. "The sun will rise and we will try again..." I sang softly, reciting the words I lived by, the words that gave me hope. Those nine words were the only things left that actually gave me real hope.
Ding.
I checked my messages again.
Haha thanks! Do you play any instruments?
I smiled weakly.
Just the ukulele. Nothing special.
He texted back a lot quicker than I expected.
That's awesome! Anyways I really gotta go, I'll catch you later Ty. Nice meeting you.
I frowned.
Oh okay. Bye.
I closed the phone and tossed it onto my bed. Great. Now I had no one to listen to me. Or save from myself. Not like he cared anyways. No one cares, no one cares even a bit. I'm just so alone here. I looked down.
No. I will not cry, I won't let you hurt me again. I thought, snapping the rubber band around my wrist angrily. I will not let you take over and push me to do things that will only make things worse.
I got up shakily from the chair and flopped down on my bed. It was too early to fight all of it. Hell, it was 9 fucking am. I curled up into a right ball and closed my eyes, the warm darkness of sleep taking over my body.

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