| Don't Let Me Be Gone |- Joshler

T W E N T Y F I V E

It was all too much.
The noose still steadily creaked from Josh's body weight, swinging back and forth slightly.
I was hunched over on the ground a huge mess of tears and shaky sobs.
Everything was silent except for the slow creak and my crying.
That's all I could do.
I wasn't capable of doing anything else. I couldn't stand. I couldn't walk. I could barely speak.
My heart felt like it had split in two, it was the worst pain I had ever felt before.
It felt like it was tearing me apart from the inside out.
I didn't want to move. I didn't want to have to look up and see Josh, the only thing I had left, swinging lifelessly.
It felt like I'd lost everything. Which I did. Josh was my everything. I loved him so fucking much and I pushed him. I pushed him away, I made him hurt. I broke his heart. And he broke mine.
I was crying harder and harder, my hands coming up to my face and beginning to claw steadily at my face.
I didn't stop. I couldn't stop. I deserved the pain, because that's all I ever cause people. All I do is hurt people. Everyone I get close to, I hurt. Everyone I fall in love with, I hurt.
It was all I could do right.
I wanted it to end. I wanted to join Josh and just make the pain in my heart stop.
I didn't know anymore. I was more suicidal than ever now, I couldn't feel happiness anymore. I wanted to die, I wanted to die so fucking badly.
My mind was fuzzy. I couldn't think about anything but what had happened, I couldn't think about anyone but Josh.
He was gone now. And it fucking hurt. My heart felt as if it had been ripped straight from my chest, torn to shreds and destroyed.
I did it to myself. I was the reason he killed himself. I pushed him away. I told him I hated him. I ruined everything for the both of us and I could never forgive myself for this.
I couldn't stay here and listen to the creak of the noose anymore. I needed to call someone.
I reached down and fished my phone out of my pocket carefully, dialing 911.
"911, what's your emergency?"
"Hello, my boyfriend just commited suicide."
"Oh honey, I'm sorry." The lady on the line said soothingly. "Where are you located?"
I gave her the name of the forest we were and she said she'd be sending out ambulances soon.
"He's already dead." I said blankly into the phone.
"I know hon. I have to send ambulances to pick up his body." She said simply.
"Oh." I whispered. "Can I hang up now?"
"No." She said sternly. "If you hang up we won't be able to track your position. Stay on the line."
"Okay." I said softly and rolled rocks around in my fingers.
"Can you tell me about your boyfriend?" The lady said softly. "What was his name?"
"Josh." I chocked out. "Josh Dun."
"Tell me more about him."
"He played the drums." I said softly, the corners of my lips turning up in a small smile. "He was really nice, he cared about me a lot. He had blue hair and the most beautiful chocolate brown eyes. His eyes crinkled up when he smiled and if you looked at him while he was smiling, you would smile. It was contagious with him."
"Josh sounds like a really great person." The lady soothed.
"He I-was." I said, feeling a lump form in my throat. "I loved him so much. I got a tattoo of his name."
"I'm sorry this happened." She said in a hushed voice.
Tears leaked out of my eyes. "It's my fault he's gone."
"What?"
"I pushed him away because he hit me. He didn't mean to, but I got scared. I told him I hated him. He chased after me. We fought...and he hit me again. I pushed him over the edge. I hurt him and pushed him into suicide." I cried softly, tears sliding down my face steadily now.
"Don't blame yourself." The lady whispered.
"I can't help it." I said simply. "Are the ambulances nearby?"
"Yes." She said and Tyler heard the click of a keyboard. "They'll be there in a minute or so. Hang on honey."
"Okay." I said softly and strained my ears, hearing siren in the distance.
The ambulances came soon. So did the paramedics. They rushed me over to the ambulance and had me wait there as they got Josh down. I didn't want to see Josh, all stiff and cold.  I wanted to sleep. Sleep and never wake up. I shrugged my thoughts away as I heard leaves crunching, the paramedics bringing Josh into the ambulance on a stretcher.
I waited for them to load him on and jumped into the back with him, taking a seat next to him and staring blankly. The paramedics left and walked up to the drivers cabin.
"I'm sorry Josh." I whispered to his lifeless corpse. "I'm so sorry."
I reached out for his hand and intertwined our fingers. "I'm sorry I pushed you away. I'm sorry for everything I put you through. I'm sorry for causing this to happen."
I was crying again. Hard. I lifted his knuckles to my forehead and played my head against his hand, crying steadily and loudly.
"I'm s-sorry J-Josh." I cried out at his lifeless body. "I'm sorry for pushing you away. I love you Josh. I'm so sorry."

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Woah this is seriously emotional as fuck
I'm sorry(not really) for making y'all cry 😂
Hope you all like the fic :)