| Don't Let Me Be Gone |- Joshler

T W E N T Y E I G H T

Two.
Listen to the song while reading.
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Time Skip: one week

I held my head in my hands as I sat on my bed in my room back at home.
Josh's funeral is today.
When I came home from the hospital, I told my mom everything.
Except for everything about what happened with Josh's dad. I couldn't tell anyone about that or he'd kill me.
She knew now that I'm gay. She didn't hate me for it, She just seemed angry in a way. She knew everything about Josh and I.
Everything.
"Tyler."
I looked up to see my mom standing by my door. "Yeah?"
"Get ready. We have to leave in half an hour for the funeral." She said sternly and quickly walked off.
I shook my head out and got up from the bed, walking over to my dresser slowly. I ran a hand shakily through my messy hair.
I didn't want to go.
I didn't want to face anyone, especially Josh's dad.
I gripped my hair and tugged, wincing in pain as hairs got yanked out.
I wanted to cry so fucking bad. I wanted to collapse on the ground and just fucking give up. I wanted to just die already.
I let out a feeble cry and tugged on my hair a few more times. I then stopped and started rummaging through my dresser, looking for my tuxedo.
I found it at last and sat it on my bed. I hated taking off my clothes regardless of what I was doing. It became too much, pretty quickly. I quickly pulled the dress pants on and buttoned them up and began putting the top on.
I walked over to mirror and started tying the tie, sighing and looking at myself in the mirror.
I hadn't slept in a week. Black bags lay under my eyes, my face was pale with pain, my eyes a dull and broken brown. My hair lay matted against my forehead. I shook my head and laid my wrist across my forehead and my heart stopped.
In the reflection of my wrist, there was his backwards name.
Josh Dun.
I stared at the tattoo. I had completely forgot I got his name on my wrist.
I could feel tears forming in my eyes. Josh was gone, Josh was gone forever and I couldn't get him back.
I shook my head out and attempted to fix my hair but gave up a few minutes later.
"Tyler, you ready to go?"
I turned and saw my mom. She was wearing a simple black dress. "Yeah. I'm ready." My voice was weak.
"Are you okay honey?" She asked softly and rested a hand on my shoulder.
I looked down and played with my sleeves. "I'm fine."
"Tyler." She said sternly. "I know very well you aren't okay. We are going to your boyfriend's funeral, there is no way you are 'fine'."
"I..." I shook my head out and showed her my wrist. "I got a tattoo of his name mom. I hate looking at it. It just makes me sadder than I already am. I can't take living without him."
My mom tilted my chin towards her. "Tyler. Josh would want you to live without him. He would want you to be happy without him."
I pulled my chin from her grasp and looked down. "I can't be happy without him mom." I blinked at the sink. "Let's just go now, please."
"Okay." My said simply and walked out. I looked at myself one last time in the mirror. I could see that my eyes were starting to get puffy. I wanted to cry.
Was I going to?
No.
I grabbed my phone off the side off the sink and walked out. I walked quickly out of the house and over to my moms car. I stepped inside the car and buckled myself up, not daring to say a single word.
She started the car and started driving out of the driveway. "Tyler?"
I hummed at her.
"The Dun family wants you to sat a few words about Josh." She said softly.
I furrowed my eyebrows. "Why would they want me to do that?"
"They know how much Josh meant to you. Can you just do this one thing and not have an attitude about it Tyler?"
"Whatever." I almost snarled. I stared out the window, watching as the trees and houses flew past. Nothing had any color now. I'd lost the person who let me see color. I'd lost my will to live. Life didn't have a point now.
The car started slowing down as we pulled into the burial ground. I gulped and wiped my eyes quickly.
This was it. The last goodbye to Josh.
My mom parked the car. "You ready?"
I nodded weakly. "I think so."
She pulled the keys out of the ignition and got out of the car, I followed behind her once we both has stepped out of the car.
There was a lot of people there.
I only recognized the Dun family. Josh's dad was sitting near the back, talking to one of his sons.
I looked down quickly as we walked over to take our seats. I sat down and started playing with my fingers.
My mom smiled weakly and placed a hand on mine. "It'll be okay. I promise."
I nodded and looked up to see Josh's dad walking to stand in front of the open coffin that held Josh. "Thank you everyone for coming." I avoided looking at him. "We have lost a member of our family, Joshua William Dun, to suicide. He will be deeply missed." The large crowd kept quiet. "I speak on behalf of Josh's spirit. I hope his life was fulfilled and happy until his end. We do have a speaker today. Tyler, could you come up here?"
I looked up quickly. "U-uhm of c-course.." I said softly and started walking over to where Josh and his dad were. I walked over to the coffin and rested my hands on the edge, staring at Josh's cold body.
"I'm sorry." I whispered to his body. I knew he couldn't hear me.  "I'm sorry I couldn't make everything better."
I turned around and his dad nodded, giving me a tiny wink as he walked off. I felt sick to my stomach.
"I'm Tyler." I started simply. "I was Josh's boyfriend." Tiny whispers broke out. "Josh...Josh was the greatest person I ever had the pleasure to meet. He was outgoing and he was really detirmined to be my friend to say the least. We got along well and laughed together and soon enough, I knew I was falling in love."
I paused for a moment. "I loved this boy. I still do, even if he is dead. He was the best thing to ever happen to me. I lost him. We all lost a really great person. I hope we can all understand how much we've lost. Josh was perfect." I looked down. "I got a tattoo of his name on my wrist. Now, it's just a reminder of all the pain his death caused me."
Everyone was silent. I could feel the tears building up so I ran back to my mom, collapsing in my chair and burying my head in my hands.
I cried all the tears I had left in me.