| Don't Let Me Be Gone |- Joshler

N I N E

I hardly got a blink of sleep that night. I was restless and I just...couldn't stop thinking about everything, I couldn't stop thinking about everything pushing down on my shoulders.
I groaned angrily when Josh came down to get me. "Leave me alone, I just want to sleep."
"You had the whole night for that, weirdo." Josh laughed.
I frowned and sighed. "Don't call me a weirdo."
Josh laughed softly and shook my shoulder. "C'mon get up!"
I groaned again and sat up, scowling at him. "What do you want?" I half snapped at him.
"Wanna watch more of 13 Reasons Why?" He asked, sitting down next to me.
"No, I should probably head home." I said bluntly, trying not to sound mean.
"Aw, Ty, C'mon." Josh pouted. "Lets hang out some more."
I sighed and looked down. "Joshua William Dun, I swear to god if you force me to watch another show about suicide I will, personally, murder you."
Josh laughed and smiled at me. "I won't I promise."
I gave a quick smile. "Okay, good."
Josh walked into his kitchen. "You hungry?"
"No, I'm okay." I said blankly.
"You sure?" He said as he pulled out some pans and ingredients. "My pancakes are the best out there."
I sighed and smiled. "I'm sure, Josh."
"Your loss." He laughed and started mixing everything.
I looked down at the carpet and started scratching and picking at my hands.
Josh is getting too close to me. I thought, staring blankly at the carpets below me. I can't let this happen, I just can't. I won't hurt him.
Josh walked back over to me and sat down, a plate of pancakes and syrup in hand. "What do you feel like watching, Ty?"
"I've changed my mind about 13 Reasons why. I'm desperate to know what happens next." I said, smiling at him.
"Okay." He said, clicking the show on and resuming episode six.
I watched intently, my heart fluttering at certain parts of the show.
"God damn it I hate Clay for not kissing Hannah." Josh whispered with a mouth full of pancakes.
I laughed at him. "Be quiet you idiot."
Josh laughed and we both kept watching the show.
We made it to episode 13 amazingly and I could feel the tears coming, pushing their way to the surface. I watched, feeling the tears start to leak out of my eyes.
"Tyler?" Josh turned to me, worry in his voice. "Everything okay?"
"Y-yeah I'm fine." I said, wiping my tears away.
"No you aren't." Josh said and turned the show off. "We'll watch something else okay?"
I nodded, wiping my tears away. I felt so weak for crying, so stupid for even letting my tears get the best of me. Josh put on The Lion King, which just so happened to be my favorite movie.
"I love this movie so much..." I whispered and started humming the song at the beginning of the movie. I was still crying a little bit but I managed to stop.
I watched the movie intently, not daring to look away from the screen. Simba and Nala walked and ran about, the signature love song I couldn't remember the name of playing. I tore my eyes away from the screen when I felt Josh grip my hand tightly. I was tempted to pull my hand away and curse at him but I didn't. The feeling of his warm hand tightly holding my cold hand made me happy, the way his thumb brushing over my thumb calmed the storm in my head. I didn't know what he was doing it how he was doing it, but I for sure didn't want him to stop. I starting watching the movie again, feeling more at ease than what I was earlier.
The movie progressed on and ended a little while later and Josh started going through the other movies, still holding my hand. "What do you want to watch next?"
I shrugged. "I dunno. You can choose."
Josh nodded and put The Fault In Our Stars on, which I assumed to be his favorite movie.
"Oh god, Josh, I'm gonna end up crying." I said, chuckling softly.
"Don't worry." He said, brushing his thumb over mine soothingly.
"I cry every time I watch this movie."
I sighed and sat back, watching the movie. It was one of the saddest movies I had ever seen and I didn't want to cry again but I also didn't want to annoy Josh.
I sighed and looked over at Josh, noticing as he scooted closer and turned to face me. He smiled and brought his hand up and gently grabbed my chin.
I knew what was next but I couldn't let it happen.
I stood up quickly, grabbing my phone on the table. "I should probably get home."
A look of pain spread across Josh's face. "Oh. Well uhm...text me when we can hang out again."
I nodded hastily and ran out the door, running home as fast as I could pushing my tears away.
I bursted into my house and my mom looked up. "Oh, Tyler I was wondering where you were."
I nodded and before she could say another word, I ran upstairs to my room slamming and locking the door behind me.
I said I wouldn't let him get close, I said I would let him love me. I thought, throwing my fists into the wall. Now look what I've done! I'm a fucking idiot, I'm hurting him! I'm letting him fall for me!
I screamed and kept slamming my hands into the wall until I couldn't anymore and I slid down the wall, crying once more.
Pills.
The idea of taking pills popped into my head and at the time, it seemed smart. It seemed like the only way out of what I placed myself into.
I ran to my dresser and shakily removed my several bottles of pills I had. I sat down with the bottles upon bottles of pills, taking at least two of each kind. I knew it was dumb, I knew I was an idiot but I couldn't stop myself.
I was done with everything, I was tired of hearing those fucking voices in my head telling me how to feel and what to do.
I was so fucking tired.
I let out a feeble cry as I collapsed to ground, crying.
Maybe it would finally end, maybe I would finally stop hurting people.
Maybe everyone would just forget the mistake that I was.

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Okay so I know I'm late again. Blame wattpad, it wouldn't save so when I closed the app it deleted everything I had written and I had to rewrite it at least six times. ;-;
I'll try to better with keeping up with my updates! Thank you all for being so patient! :)
Also please disregard all typos, my phone is stupid xD