We Shall Heal

Tuesday February 14th.

This homeless lady in the subway randomly told me today to write down my story in a journal. It was all so weird I can barely recall it, all I know is that I spent two hours narrating my story to her as we watched people hurry on completely oblivious to my little tale of woes. As I was finishing my story I expected some sort of sympathy, not like I need it but I've come to receive so much of it from colleagues and family that it feels as natural as a 'hello'. But she didn't hug me or tell me sorry she didn't even bat her eyelashes, she simply told me to write it down. The entire scenario intrigued me so much I couldn't find it inside me to disregard her advice as I had done that of my therapist of whom I wonder why we still pay money so he can waste my Tuesdays like today.

Valentine's Day two years ago, I was happy. Like really happy. I had a boyfriend whom I loved dearly, Darren and both my parents. I went to school, I got good grades. I wasn't rich, my mother is a maid and my father was a mechanic. But I was happy. That's all that counts at the end of the day. Happiness. I'll tell you I know this now. Happiness is like a fragrance, it's strong then its weak until finally you don't smell it no more. You don't know it anymore.

I loved Darren a lot. I don't think I can say this enough. I love him so so so much. He was this forbidden path I wasn't supposed to tread on, but I did and I got addicted. When I think about it Darren had nothing strikingly attractive about him. He was gangly and nerdy but he carried himself with confidence like he knew something I didn't, like his opinion mattered. Being around him felt like being in the shadow of someone powerful. Someone important. Someone like Darren. He was rich too and my mother worked for his parents. That's how I met him.

Sometimes when I was younger ma used to take me to work with her. Mr. and Mrs. Fischer were okay with it, as long as I did not touch Anything valuable or destroy anything. At first I would just help ma with some chores here and there. It was so jolly working with her, we would sing and dance together. Darren used to stare at us hidden, when I first saw him I thought to myself how odd it was to see such a tiny white boy. He had the most spectacular blue eyes and those forbidden lips of his. I loved him. I love him. I love you Darren Fischer...