We Shall Heal

Sunday June 11th.

I saw the homeless lady again today when I went out of the hospital for a walk for the first time since I woke up. Gosh, did the sun feel so beautiful on my skin. And the wind...and the sky was so blue and just lovely. And I thought back to the time when dad's favorite color was sky blue. It was a clear light shade of blue and I demanded that his burial tie be sky blue. I realized how long it had been since the last time I actually looked at the sky. On the last year of mourning and grieving I was missing out on the beauty of nature. I breathed in the weather today and if someone asked me how the weather was today I'd probably tell them therapeutic. I felt a weight lift from my shoulders and instant lightness.

As I was looking at the patients in the hospital park and trying to predict what each one had, my eyes fell on a tiny shivering woman. The homeless lady. She was just looking at me. When I smiled she didn't smile back. When I waved she didn't wave back. Which was odd if you asked me, morals demand you smile back when a smile is sent your way. I walked over and sat next to her with my nurse trailing behind me and smiled again. She just looked at me.

How long have you been sitting here?

Five weeks.

(Five weeks? Does that mean she was there throughout the duration of my hospital stay? Yes. And I didn't know how to feel about this.)

Sorry I didn't come by the subway again.

Then we were quiet, just listening to the sound of laughter and chatter of the people around me. I let their happiness drown me as I watched all the smiling faces. I've never felt so disconnected and connected to the world at the same time as I did today. The weather kept on getting lovelier and lovelier.

We sat there for half an hour and neither of us spoke, then my nurse told me it's time to go and when I stood to leave she gave me a curt nod and nothing else.