We Shall Heal

Saturday April 22nd.

I talked to Darren today after 1 year 2 months and 8 days. I was sitting on the curb just mindlessly staring at people walking by. I have been feeling numb lately but my body reacted when I felt him seat down next to me, I didn't even have to look at him I just knew when the hair on the back of my neck rose, I knew it was him. Then I smelled his cologne and it was the confirmation I needed. Instinctively I leaned onto his shoulder and he wrapped his arm around my shoulder. Our bodies knew what to do on their own even when my mind wasn't properly functioning. And I felt his warmth and gosh did I miss his shoulder. It was so natural. Like this was it. All the suffering in the last year amounted to this moment on the curb. With me where I was always meant to be...next to him.

He spoke first and we had no need for pleasantries. He didn't have to ask me how the previous year was. And I didn't need him to. But if he had I would have told him better now that he was next to me.

Sadness doesn't suit a pretty face like yours.

Tell me. What does?

Happiness.

And I actually smiled at that. After 1 year 2 months and 8 days apart I still felt so strongly about him. After 1 year 2 months and 8 days I smiled for the first time and laughed at all his jokes. He still made me happy.

And we talked and talked and talked like nothing had happened between us. Like we were the same. And I thought maybe he had come back to me. What a foolish thought!

About your....um...your...

My dad?

Yes. How are you?

To be honest the last year was hell for me. But it's better now that your here with me.

About that-

Yes?

We all really miss you. It hurt when you just shun us out when we tried to help. Like we weren't your friends.

Darren don't be ridiculous. You had broken up with me. I didn't shun you guys, you had left me.

I didn't leave you. I simply broke off our relationship.

And why did you?

Please please can we not do this now?

(It seems I hate the word 'please' cause every time someone says that to me I can't stop. Please...please...please... what an awful word!)

No I want to know Darren. Why did you break up with me?

Please please don't....

Tell me Darren, was I not pretty enough, smart enough, supportive enough. Did I not love you enough? Cause you could have just told me, I would have changed.

Please....

TELL ME!

I STOPPED LOVING YOU OKAY? I just... I stopped loving you that way. And I couldn't find it in me to pretend anymore. I had been pretending for years. I just lost it. I'm sorry. Please please I'm sorry.

Please understand. Please do. I didn't mean to hurt you. I want to be friends.

Is that why you are talking to me now Darren? So that we can be Friends?

Can someone tell me what is the purpose of life anymore? Why should I live anymore? If everyone who ever loves me suddenly just stops loving me. How can we be friends Darren? How can we when I love you so dearly? When whenever I see you I want you, I miss you? Seeing you will be torture. I keep on surprising myself with my foolishness. Did my father also suddenly just stop loving me before he died? How sudden was it when my mother stopped loving me? Gosh I hate life!