We Shall Heal

Friday March 24th.

I haven't talked to the homeless lady since the 7th. I hate my life. I hate myself. I hate everything and everyone. I saw Darren at the café we had our first date in. I didn't go in. I didn't have the money for that. I was walking down the curb minding my own business like I usually do. And there he was...sitting by the window in a booth with Harry. He had his arms around lil' ole petite Harry and she was laughing to something he had said. He had done the same thing on our first date. He used to make me laugh so hard I thought I would pee myself, then he used to look at me like I was the most precious thing in the world. And here he was giving my friend Harry the same look that used to be mine.

Gosh, it hurts. It hurts so bad I feel like screaming. But I can't cause ma is asleep and it's night and I just had a fight with her. Now I feel bad about it which just makes me more angry and sad and just desperate to escape this cycle I'm in. It feels like darkness is engulfing me inside out. Like I'm falling desperately and I wish I could just land, I know I'll crash but I don't care. Lemme just die. It hurts.

I fought with ma. I already said that. I got home for dinner and it was awkward but I really wanted her to talk to me and ask me how was my day. Ask me how I'm doing. Ask me how I was holding up. Then I'd cry and tell her about the pain I feel, about the darkness. I'd tell her that I punched some rich kid on the 14th cause I didn't have time for his shit and that my fingers still hurt. And she'd tell me it would be okay. But she didn't. In stead she set down a plate on dad's seat and it felt like she was driving another nail into my heart.

I asked her how her day was. I asked her what she did. Were the Fischers okay? Even though it hurt, I asked how Darren was doing cause I knew she had a soft spot for him. But she didn't reply. God is it a sin to miss your mother's laugh and smile and voice? Cause if it is, I deserve a special place in hell. I'd kill just for her to be living again. She didn't reply. Hear that, SHE NEVER REPLIES. Not anymore.

And I just cracked and I threw my fork at her and I screamed at her. I told her I was doing okay but it didn't seem like she cared anymore. I was dying slowly inside and I wanted her back. I needed my mother back. I had lost dad too. I had lost Darren. I had lost purpose. But she wouldn't respond. She had a cut where the fork hit her on her forehead and blood was slowly trickling down her forehead but she didn't even raise her head to look at me. I just wanted her to look at me and see I was hurting as well.

I might have over reacted. Maybe she is in more pain. But I am hurting as well. So I started throwing around plates at the wall and food splattered everywhere. When I got to dad's plate that was when she spoke.

Please don't.

But I was so riled up that I didn't stop. I smashed dad's favorite China on the wall and broke his chair. And God do I feel so bad about it right now. It was a mess. I was screaming and she was screaming for me to stop. But I wouldn't. I wouldn't stop. I just couldn't.

My life is falling apart and I feel like I'm just being tossed around like a ball. I don't know what to do.