We Shall Heal

Tuesday Febrary 28th.

Writing here is hard. I have so much pain but I don't feel like I can express it in here. This all just feels so stupid to me but I saw the homeless lady again today and I felt I owe it to her at least to write something here.

Dinner with ma was awkward as it usually is these days. We sat and played with our food like we always do these days. It's ridiculous that she insists on making such an effort to have a family dinner but all we do is waste good food neither of us feel like eating. Ma looks like a skeleton and I don't think I look any better. As usual she set the table and included dad in the budget and it hurts every time I look at his seat and find his plate but not his smile. And gosh his awful eating manners. He chews with his mouth open and whenever ma scolds him he just chews louder and messier I think it's funny how ma always gets so riled up but it's still disgusting.

He usually walks in when we are eating. He walks up to me with this huge stupid smile and kisses my forehead but he's usually so sweaty and smelly, I laugh recoiling from him. Then he walks over to mom who shoots him away to wash off before touching her, but he never listens, he swoops in and steals a kiss on ma's lips and I'm just laughing so hard. Then he sits next to me on the table and sends me a wink.

You won't believe what happened today dad?

What?

So there's this kid in school and he.... Or I won tracks today... Or I aced my English exams...

We need to say grace, dear.

One second ma, I'm getting to the best part.

Honey, listen to your ma. Let's say our graces first then I'm all ears...

He was so attentive and he used to listen to my ridiculous childish endeavors and my opinions like they mattered. Like I was important and special. Only two people ever made me feel that way, Dad and Darren. And I lost them both.