We Shall Heal

Thursday November 23rd.

I love that story about Archimedes running naked into the streets of Greek after he discovered how to prove to the king that he was truly frauded by the goldsmith as the king had suspected. I love that Archimedes kept on shouting Eureka! Eureka! And boy is that how I feel right now. It feels like years of searching blindly for something I was missing in my life have come to an end. I feel like I can piece my life again piece by piece and I can finally move on from dad's death. I can move on.

Today is thanksgiving and as sad as it sounds, ma decided to work over time at the Fischers so I went to the subway and met with the homeless lady and we spent the afternoon in a somewhat deserted subway eating turkey sandwiches. Then we saw the same lady we were talking about a couple of months ago. Still on her phone, yelling to the person on the other end and the homeless lady asked me - Do you still think she has a family to run to?

And I almost agreed with her and said no but I thought about how ironic it would be for me to call her out when I had my mother at home and I was spending thanksgiving with some random stranger I met a couple months ago, shivering in the subway. So I didn't reply, but that didn't stop her from talking-

I know the kind. Always running around and missing out on the beauties of life until it's too late. It's too late and they can't go back. Why is man always on the move? Why can't he just settle down at least once in his life, forget about norms and morals and deadlines and just breath in and be there, just exist for a second with no worries? Why can't we shut down our phones and laptops and listen to our children and talk to them? Why can't we open our ears to hear what is around us? Why must we merely breath and not live?

(Then she gazed at me with empty eyes.)

I used to be like that. I was successful, I had a daughter and a loving husband. I thought I was happy. I found my purpose in always stressing about work and superficial things like clothes. When evening came and I walked home I always used this subway and when I got home, I was exhausted. What was the point of all of it? We weren't that rich, but we would have survived. Why couldn't I find a moment in my day to be a mother and a wife and to communicate? I missed out most of my daughter's life. I wasn't there when she hit depression, I didn't see her deteriorate cause I was so stuck up surrounded with things that didn't matter, until she took her life and my life crumbled around me. Her name was Katherine.

(I was speechless.)

Let me ask you, is it worth it to be in such a hurry when everything is passing you by? You are so different from my Katherine, but I recognize sadness in you that I recognize in myself. And I don't want you to be like me. I don't want you to end up like Katherine. I want to save someone to atone for my sins but I still feel guilty. I feel like it was I who took the knife and shoved it in Katherine's heart. I killed my daughter....

(She embraced me and cried on my shoulder for a while then she stopped and looked at me with sad eyes.)

Let me tell you something dear, you know why things happen? So that situation changes and reality is no longer what it used to be. Life is always miserable when we try to patch back our lives to be what they used to be, but the pieces don't fit anymore and the puzzle is distorted and life makes no sense anymore. The past is there for you to reflect on but it shouldn't mean you shouldn't change. When things happen, and situations change, what used to be won't be anymore, leave path for what should be to be.

And there is my epiphany, ladies and gentlemen, what used to be won't be anymore, leave path for what should be. I finally found words to narrate my life. I finally found a way to address my father. He was there and life was great, he isn't there and life isn't so great anymore but at least I had the chance to love him when I did. It's time to move on.