We Shall Heal

Epilogue.

Tuesday February 14th.

17 years later.

Dear Journal,

I'm all giddy with excitement writing this entry, 17 years after my last entry. I've never called you journal have I? I turned 35 today and it's been 19 years since dad passed away and I'm just sad I wasn't home to visit his grave but at least I face timed with ma. It took her longer than I thought for her to heal. I don't think she has even healed from dad's death but we talk now. At times she's aloof, at times she's just depressed and won't talk to me for weeks or won't eat but she's slightly better now. And I'm glad that is that.

Ok...To the happy stuff, I released my 8th book a couple of weeks ago and today it was announced as New York's bestseller. I'm so happy. And I have my agent to thank for that. I wouldn't have been writing books if it weren't for Hanna. She was my nosy roommate in university who 'accidentally' went through my stuff and found my journal and decided the stuff in it was depressing enough to make us rich. I still find my journal was too personal for something like that. It was like exposing myself, my war scars for the world to feast upon. But her business mind found a way to convince me that it was for the good of many other youth who were going through what I went through. I doubted it would help many. But I decided what the heck, it wouldn't kill anyone to try. At first it was hard to find a publisher who would publish us until Hanna's ex boyfriend who's uncle was a publisher turned up. They got back together just so my story would be published. They are married now with 2 kids and Hanna complains each chance she gets but I know she is happy. And she's taking the words of the homeless lady very seriously, always probing with her kids lives, I can feel their annoyance with their mother but I appreciate Hanna for not letting life sidetrack her from what is important. Although she could still let the little ones a little loose...just sayin'!

I'm a counselor according to my degree. It was what I was taking in university while Hanna was taking business administration. And it's what I do with most of my time. I help depressed youth. I can relate to their feeling of misplacement in today's life and I try to teach them there's always a place for them. Their main goal should be to be happy. I wish all my cases were successful. Sometimes I can't help the kids and I feel very sad. But I always try as best as I can with every kid.

A couple of years ago I met a girl, Amal. She was beautiful but her mother feared that her daughter was too angry with life. And boy she was. I have never seen someone as angry with life since Ibrahim, my Arabic hospital roommate. It took a while to help her see that life isn't a 100% fair but we have a choice: whether we support this injustice, fight against it or waste our energy complaining about it. Over time Amal has become like my own daughter and although my sessions with her ended a while ago we still meet every Tuesday or so in the park and talk.

I haven't had any other relationship since Darren. It sounds more sad than it really is. I've been so caught up in my sessions and my books and fame I forgot about love and relationships. But I have my eyes on a certain Turk publisher. We have gone on a couple of dates, slept together a couple of times but he hasn't officially asked me out and I haven't asked him out. We are adults now, I would assume it would be as easier to come open but life is just as awkward as always. And no one ever gives you a manual to adulthood.

I've been looking out for the homeless lady all this time, just to thank her. A part of me wants to give her money because I keep on thinking she needs it, but I don't think money could substitute the life she helped me make and deep down I know she doesn't need the money. I know she needs love. I'm almost sure Katherine is up in heaven smiling at her mother and she has forgiven her, I just hope she has realized that herself.

If I could tell anything to my 17 year old self, I'd tell me to not hold on to yesterday, tomorrow is even more beautiful than today. In better words, what used to be won't be anymore, leave path for what should be to be. There's a better tomorrow and you can make it so.

I am a scarred individual. I am still insecure after Darren, one of the reasons I haven't been so out in the dating universe. I'm always scared I'll do something and someone will just stop loving me and I'm scared to have my heartbroken. I'm 35 years old and I'm insecure. But I know I'm above all that. I gave Darren my all if it wasn't enough it was his problem I'm not to blame. And this Turk publisher just happens to find the best ways to make me feel good about myself. I might let myself love again after all, the homeless lady said loving is growing. Who knows....

Sometimes as happy as I try to be, sometimes I grow sad and depressed and I feel life is miserable but then I remember I can't control everything and when things don't go my way, I shouldn't let them down my happiness.

And sometimes my ma bothers me about grandkids and I feel sad when I see Hanna and her two demons, but then someone I helped once calls me or Amal visits me and the loneliness is gone. And I remember we don't have to give birth to be mothers, we don't have to have red pencils to be teachers, we don't have to have a stethoscope to save lives, we just have to be us, we just have to be there and smile and help. I have mothered enough youth in the 17 years since I last wrote an entry. The homeless lady was more of a mother to me than my own mother. And she saved me.

And sometimes I remember I was suicidal. I remember that I wouldn't have been here if it weren't for the nice old lady who saw my disheveled look and my obvious distress. She walked up to check on me and when she knocked on the door I was passed out in the kitchen blood tickling from my wrist. I gave her quite a fright. But she taught me just how much power a concerned stranger can have in changing your future. She was our neighbor.

Sometimes it's yes, sometimes it's no...but that's life, we shall survive.