We Shall Heal

Sunday July 16th.

I'm back in the hospital. This time with a case of pneumonia. Sadly I didn't get the same nurse who took care of me last time, but my new nurse is just as wonderful. We talk a lot and she is just funny. I see my old nurse sometimes in the corridors and he smiles at me then we talk about things. How I have been doing. I tell him therapy is going well. But to be honest I haven't attended my sessions since the 4th of July. Doctor Chris makes me want to pull my hair out of my skull. That's how bad he is. He is so detached and so annoying, I just can't. I don't tell him that the homeless lady at the subway is the one really helping me out and music. When the doctors ask me about my pneumonia, I tell them I fell asleep in the rain. No one needs to know I was talking to my dad. It feels so intimate. Like a secret just for my dad and me.

I'm trying really hard to be happy, even the doctors are commenting I look better and happier. They don't say healthier because I'm still the sickly thin I was the first day they saw me. But isn't happiness health? Sometimes I just find myself alone in my own thoughts and I just start thinking about Darren, about my mom, about Zoe and about Dad. And as much as I promised my dad I wouldn't cry, I do. I cry myself to sleep. I cry when I look at the lovely blue sky and remember that it was dad's favorite color. I cry when Darren brings me cookie dough ice cream and I remember we were eating ice cream when I realized I loved him. I cry when my roommates parents and family visit him cause I remember I don't have one. I don't have a family. I cry. I just cry.

I'm so scared of falling back into the dark hole, now that I'm doing just slightly better. I'm scared of the darkness. I'm so scared.