Dark Secrets (Sherlock x Reader)

Not Alone

''(Y/N), open the door!''

You ignored Sherlock's shouting from the other side of your locked door and continued throwing clothes and other essentials in your suitcase.

Your tears hadn't stopped flowing yet and your sleeve had gotten soaked from constantly wiping your eyes.

Your father's passing was hitting you harder than you could ever have anticipated. The evident concern and distress in Sherlock's voice as he encouraged you to let him in didn't help either.

You wanted to close yourself off again. You wanted to shut down and hide from all the feelings and emotions you felt. You were so overwhelmed, you just needed a break. A getaway from your own poisoned mind.

But you couldn't do it anymore. You were trying so hard to push it all down, but everything came right back up.

You felt an ache in your chest, a desire to be held and comforted. You knew Sherlock would do that for you if only you let him in, but you were too afraid to see him.

You felt so weak and vulnerable. You didn't want Sherlock seeing you this way. You were aware Sherlock knew you weren't always the strong woman you aspired to be. After all, it was he who managed to tear down that hardened side of you and show you what it could be like to let someone in.

A part of you wanted nothing more than to let him in. The other part of you wanted to shut everything and everyone out and shield you from any sort of pain or sadness.

Sherlock could relate. Meeting you had caused the same effects in him as it had in you. He too had struggled to open up and let his guard down. He too was struggling with his emotions that seemed stronger now than ever before. It was difficult, but he was willing to work through it.

He had finally gotten a taste of what love was like. He had gotten a taste of feeling safe with someone. He had willingly given you his heart and trusted you not to break it.

It was agonising to him. He felt his chest tighten as he stared at the locked door in front of him. He wanted to be in there with you and comfort you. He knew you needed it no matter how hard you denied it. He knew you had changed. It was him who spurred on that change to begin with.

He had managed to tear down your walls and see you as the person you had hidden away from the world for so many years. Now, you were trying to build them back up, stronger than ever. It scared him. He didn't want that, he wanted to see your vulnerabilities. He loved them because he had them too. And they scared him just as much as they did you.

He sighed and took a step away from the door, leaning against the wall.

He felt angry. Angry because you were shutting him out again after he had spent so much time showing you he would never judge you for anything. He was angry because he wanted to comfort you and you were shutting him out.

He wanted to kick in the door and force you to be vulnerable with him, force you to cry in front of him. He wouldn't do that, of course. It would only make you shut him out more.

You needed time. He realised that. Once you would realise, as you had before, that you could be open with him, you'd come back. You would come back to him and let him console you. All you needed was time to figure that out.

You had had these moments before. You'd feel so overwhelmed and trapped in your relationship with Sherlock, you'd run for it. You were still struggling with freely expressing and feeling your emotions, it often got too much to deal with. You always came around, though. After a while, you always realised you had made the right choice trusting him. And it truly was the right choice. Sherlock knew that and so did you.

This time, Sherlock feared, it would take longer for you to accept it again. Your father's death had come unexpected and shocked you greatly. He feared it would get in the way of you dealing with everything you had to deal with emotionally. This only added to the weight on your shoulders. Would it be too much?

Of course, it was too much. No sole person could take this on without support. That's why Sherlock knew you'd come round. You were smart enough to understand you couldn't take this on alone.

You zipped up your suitcase and placed it beside the door. Your sobs had calmed to silent tears and the occasional sniffle.

You stared at the doorknob, doubt crossing your mind. Were you doing the right thing?

You were hurt, obviously. You were in pain and desperate to run away from it. Though, you knew the running was over. It was over the second you got close to Sherlock and let him in.

You needed him. To get through to this, you needed him. And sooner or later, he would need you too. You'd be there for him in a heartbeat, you knew that. You loved him too much to stay away from him.

This was just another aspect of love. Willing to be vulnerable around each other. Willing to let each other in no matter how hard that proved to be.

You weren't ready, but then again, you didn't think you ever would be. It was just too different from what you were used to. But that was okay. You needed to learn that it was okay.

Change was why you moved to London. Change made you meet the detective right outside your door. Change was going to be worth it in the end, you just had to give it a shot.

Hesitantly, you opened the door.

Sherlock stood up straight, noticing your red tear-stained cheeks. His expression softened as he looked at you. He felt unbearably sad seeing you this way.

''I'm sorry,'' you croaked. ''I know I have to stop trying to shut you out whenever I get emotional.''

He softly shook his head. ''Don't apologise, I understand. I just wish you weren't so afraid of letting me in.''

You sniffed. ''I just don't know what to do anymore, Sherlock. It's all so difficult, so confusing.''

''I know, I know,'' he soothed. He stepped closer and carefully embraced you, letting you know he was there if you wanted him to.

You wrapped your arms tightly around him and wept quietly. ''I can't do this alone. I want to, but I can't.''

''You don't have to do this alone. I know it's hard, but we'll get through it.'' He gently took your arms and guided you inside your flat. He shut the door behind him before setting you down on the sofa, taking a seat next to you. ''I'm here for you.''

You smiled sadly and nodded, letting him hold you. ''I promise to try and be less of a dick whenever something upsets me.''

He chuckled. ''You never have to apologise to me for expressing how you feel. We need to learn how to do that with each other even if it's difficult.'' He held you tighter, rubbing soothing circles on your back.

You sighed deeply and shut your eyes, feeling overwhelmed and exhausted. ''Sherlock?'' you mumbled.

''Yes?''

''Thank you.''

''Of course.'' He kept his arms around you, soothing you until you fell asleep.

As a long day came to an end, neither of you realised the journey that was yet to come.

~ 

Hope you're all enjoying this so far. Not my best work, but it's all just for fun, isn't it?

See you in the next one x