it's been a bit. i haven't really been on here much. i haven't really talked to many of you enough recently. i want to apologize for that. to all of you. i'm sorry. i'm sorry i haven't been there for you guys enough lately. i hate not being there for you guys. i hate not talking to you guys. but sometimes i just. i don't want to bother you guys. i know you guys say i don't bother you but i just. i don't want to bother you guys all the time and then not be able to help you guys back.
i just. life is crap. i hate it. i hate it. i hate it.
okay so yeah. now. talking to you guys.
a little over a month ago i relapsed in self harm. i'm so sorry. some of you guys looked up to me (for some reason lol) and i guess you guys were like okay. well someone else can make it that long. i can too. but yeah. well i ruined that. so that happened. and then it happened again a bit after the first relapse. i told my therapist and it was fine. but then after the second relapse she told me "oh by the way since you're ~~ years old you do need to tell your parents." and i literally started crying right then and there. i mean. my parents reacted great compared to other people's parents but i just hate talking about that stufd with them.
we decided to tell my mom and bleh. i was like okay i'll tell her tomorrow night. but then that night after therapy she knew something was up so she asked what was wrong and i told her. she was kinda just okay. well we'll work on that. and it was kinda okay. but this week was pretty much absolute crap.
my suicidal thoughts came back 10x worse than they have been and i'm not activly suicidal. i actually hate having these thoughts and i'm fighting them but i'm just really tired of them. and i feel like it's stupid that i'm suicidal because my life is great and i just. people have it worse. heck some of you have it worse and i just. why am i so dumb. but yeah. things are bad with friends too. things are just bad in my brain. i want to tell my therapist and i should and i'm working up to it. but those are certain things she has to tell my parents and my parents ask too many questions and worry too much and i don't want to be put in the hospital and i don't want to bother people with my stupid problems anymore.
another topic. my disordered eating has come back worse than it's ever been. i am working ish on that with my therapist. i mean. we've talked about it. idk. but it's getting better. everyone thinks though that it's because i think i'm fat but no. that's just. a side effect. it's caused by so much more than that and i don't want to talk about that anymore.
but on the slightly bright side of this someone is helping me out and kinda just being by my side like heck yeah you got this. and they'll just gently remind me like hey don't be hard on yourself or hey you need to eat a little more okay? and it's really helping because they aren't being angry about it and they're just being really awesome right now.
i love you all and i'm trying to come back as soon as i can. be safe loves! xoxo

YOU ARE READING
always let your conscience be your guide.
Randomtake- i dont even know what we're at right now. LEAVE IF WE'RE NOT AT LEAST SOMEWHAT FRIENDS.