Mentors - A Joshler Fic

Chapter 34

I guess it was almost comical now to think back on the time when I thought I was heterosexual. Before Tyler I hadn’t any inkling that I may be gay, it just honestly never crossed my mind. I just grew up always having in mind that I would have a girlfriend and we’d get married and have a few kids. That’s how I thought life worked so I was just going with it. Even once I met Tyler and knew I felt this really deep connection with him I was still completely oblivious to my own subconscious feelings. And maybe this just goes to show you the way our society treats heterosexuality as the default sexuality and how this idea halted me from realizing who I was. 

It was somewhat confusing for me at first these feelings, because it’s not like I had any disgust or animosity towards homosexuals. I was raised believing everyone was equal and to always treat others with respect. Maybe it would have made much more sense if I’d been raised in a homophobic family that I would have repressed my feelings to try and be normal. But that wasn’t even the case, I’d just never given any thought to the fact that I might be gay. I guess I could be bisexual, but now other than Tyler I didn’t really look at anybody else. I mean I thought people of all genders were attractive and I suppose labels never really meant much to me at all. But if I had to label myself I would say I was bisexual, and I was damn proud of myself.

Tyler was the one for me and I was so in love with my smol bean of a boyfriend. I knew we had been busy the last several months and while being busy isn’t a bad thing, I felt as though we were neglecting our relationship due to our mutual lack of free time. So I’d decided to take it upon myself to remedy the situation and plan a super romantic date to remind Tyler how much I loved him and appreciated him. He deserved some romance, he’d had an especially tough time after his brother’s death. I feared that I’d taken the instance of his brother’s death too lightly and failed to notice exactly how hard his impacted him.

I’d been unaware until I saw the fresh cuts on his arm. It broke my heart to see him hurting and I was so mad at myself for not seeing that my boyfriend was in pain. I remembered that moment vividly, he’d been getting dressed and what was odd about it was that he’d begun changing in the bathroom which he’d never done before but this didn’t occur to me until after the fact. On this day I’d forgotten to put on deodorant when I was in the bathroom so I’d barge in the room not thinking anything of it, because he was my boyfriend. He held the razor blade in his hand and he was drawing several tiny lines on the inside of his thigh. 

“Tyler!” I exclaimed when I saw what he was doing. 
He dropped the razor on the ground and tried to cover himself up. I ran to him. He hung his head and refused to meet my gaze. I pulled him into my arms. He began to cry, I rubbed his back as I held him and let him get it all out. “I-I-I’m r-really s-sorry Josh.”
“Shh. It’s gonna be alright babe.”
“Are y-you m-mad?”
“Ty I’m never mad when you cut, it just makes me so bad to see that you’re in pain. I love you no matter what.”
“His arms tightened around my waist, “I love you too Josh.”
“C’mon I’m gonna help you clean this up and then get dressed and I’ll make you some hot chocolate and we’ll cuddle and talk, does that sound good?”
“Yeah...thanks Josh.”
“Anything for the bae,” I told him, leaning in to give him a quick peck on the lips. I made quick work of cleaning his cut and putting a bandaid over it. I told him to get dressed while I went downstairs to make the hot chocolate.

When I got to our bedroom he was sitting on the edge of the bed facing away from me, his head bowed down with his hands grasped in his lap. I walked in the room and set the two cups of hot chocolate down on the bedside table and walked over to sit next to my boyfriend.
“Hey.”
“Hey.”
“You know this doesn’t mean you’re a failure or that the months you’ve spent clean are worthless. You’re still my amazing boyfriend who I love very much.”

“I just..I really don’t even know why I did it. I didn’t really want to it’s just, I guess it’s just how I’ve always dealt with these feelings.”
“That’s understandable but you know you have me to talk to now, and of course April. You have an appointment with her tomorrow.”
“Yeah, I’ll tell her how I’m feeling.”
“Good, now we should get to our hot chocolate before it’s cold and I put six tiny marshmallows in it, just the way you like it.”
Tyler smiled at me, “You’re the best babe.”
I grinned, “Well so you say, so it must be true.”
We cuddled in bed and drank our hot chocolate and watched The Rocky Horror Picture Show because it was Tyler’s favorite movie. I just wanted him to feel alright. 

My big romantic plot was a trip to the beach one night so we could watch the sunset. It was sappy and probably horribly cliched but hey that didn’t mean it was any less romantic or special. I sprung it on him one night and dragged him with me all the way to the beach, not answering his many questions on the whereabouts of our destination. He guessed that it was the beach because it was the only place to go once you turned down the road. His face lit up when he realized where we were going. 

And honestly I had innocent intentions about our trip, I in no way planned on any not so innocent activities occurring. I mean I may have packed lube because safe sex is really important, but that didn’t mean anything. Okay so maybe the thought of fucking my boyfriend on the beach was rather appealing but who could blame me, my boyfriend was like this super sexy little bean. 

What I remembered most from the night was how his naked body looked awash in the glow of the sunset as we fucked on the beach. How the soft orange glow made the small flecks of color in his beautiful brown eyes pop and I couldn’t tear my eyes away from him. Tyler and his eyes which bore into mine with such love and trust were more beautiful than any sunset would ever be so I didn’t feel bad about missing the actual sunset. Tyler was my sun, he brought light into my life and warmed my soul and gave me life. I held him close that night as we stared up at the stars and peered out into the infinite universe and I felt at peace.