Under the Radar

This is Goodbye

He brought his lips down to mine hesitantly. My eyes fluttered closed as I let myself get lost in the kiss; his soft lips, the tender touch of his hand on my cheek, his hand on my lower back. I didn't want to admit it, and I knew it was bad, but I really enjoyed his touch. I subconsciously placed my hands on his chest and moved my lips along with his. The tears were still streaming down my cheeks and my buzz was almost gone now. All of my senses were aware of everything going on. He pulled away and looked at me. I could see the overwhelming passion in his eyes.

I knew it was wrong, but it made my heart swell. I exhaled and closed my eyes. Slowly, I turned and walked away to keep from breaking down right there in the hallway. My face turned bright red when I noticed Vy watching me. I looked at her shocked and then looked down. Her arms were crossed and she raised an eyebrow at me. I forgot I haven't told her what happened yet. I folded my arms and went to the classroom. Katy saw me and gave me a sympathetic smile. I nodded to let her know everything was okay, even though it wasn't.

I sat down and looked at my table. The bell rang and I could feel eyes on me. I knew who it was immediately, but I kept my eyes down. Somehow, I managed to make it through the class. During the rest of my classes, I ignored everyone. Finally, I rushed to my car when school let out.

"Marissa?" Matt asked cautiously. I sighed and unlocked my door. I didn't look at him though. "Aren't you taking me home?" he continued when I didn't answer. I sighed and closed my eyes.

"Get in," I said softly. I opened the door and started the car. He got in the passenger side and wisely didn't say anything else. I drove quickly to the safe house. I stopped the car and looked over to Matt. I held my hand out. Sighing, he handed me the sports bottle again. I took it and got out. Benny met us at the door. Matt walked in and Benny stopped me at the door.

"You okay kitten? feeling any better?" he asked quietly. I nodded once and walked into the house. Matt looked to me hopefully. I sighed and sat on the couch.

"Can you go up to your room? I'll be up there in a second. I need to talk to Benny first," I said softly. He nodded and went up to his room. I looked to Benny when I heard the door close.

"I'm resigning this mission," I said quietly looking at Benny. I handed him the sports bottle. I rubbed my hands over the front of my jeans. "I've... broken the rules already and it's not helping anyone for me to be here. Vy and Katy can handle this without me. I'm going back to Headquarters. It's for the best." I had come to this concludes with Matt kissed me at school. I couldn't be here anymore. I was useless now anyway. Benny sighed and closed his eyes.

"Okay, I'll tell Headmaster tonight. You don't have to go to school tomorrow, and I'll let the school know, you moved or something," Benny said. He looked at me worried. "I'm going to miss you kitten." He pulled me in for a bear hug. I hugged him back with a sigh. I pulled away and smiled at him sadly.

Sighing, I walked up to Matt's room. He was sitting on a chair at his desk. He smiled at me immediately. I closed my eyes and tried to hide the pain that was clear in my eyes. Opening them, I saw him frown. He moved to get up, but I put a hand out in front of me and he stopped.

"I'm resigning this mission. You have Katy and Vy watching you now. I'm going to leave as soon as tomorrow," I said quietly. He opened his mouth to object, but I stopped him again. "This is a mission. It's strictly professional. I've broken one of the most important rules; I've gotten emotionally attached to a subject. It won't matter anyway. As soon as I'm gone, someone will come and wipe every memory of me from you." I explained emotionlessly. He stood up and I looked at him.

"I won't even remember you?" he asked a bit dumbfounded. I nodded. He came over to me. I looked down as my breath quickened.

"What if I want to remember you? What if I wanted to remember everything about you? I want to remember. I want to remember your blue eyes and blonde hair. I want to remember how you smell like roses all the time. I want to remember your smart alick remarks and your laugh. I want to remember the way you always have fun while you work; the way you couldn't care less what anyone around you is thinking. I want to remember you." He said the last sentence softly. I sighed painfully and closed my eyes.

"Stop," I breathed. He did. He stopped talking, but he didn't move away from me. "Please... stop." I breathed again.

"No," he said softly, determination filling his voice. "Why won't you let yourself get carried away; just this once? I like you a lot; and I know you feel the same about me. I can see it all over your face. Stay... please." He begged softly, not moving.

"I'm leaving... immediately," I breathed. I turned my head to the side. He pressed his body against me harder. I closed my eyes and tried to squeeze my tears back. "I can't like you. Let me go Matt," I said sternly.

"You could leave any time you wanted. You're the one who's been training since you were in diapers, speak eight languages fluently, and own black belts in seven different forms of martial arts," he said softly. He paused a second before he continued. "Surely your extended knowledge of self defense would've taught you how to get out of this situation. You haven't moved because you don't want to." He said as he finally let me go. I blinked as I processed that; he was right. I could've gotten out if I really wanted to, but I didn't want to. I moved away from the wall and blushed. I wasn't about to let him know he was right.

"I'm leaving tomorrow, and you're memory will be wiped. That's it," I said softly. A look of defeat and sadness crossed his face. I moved over to him and held his cheek tenderly. "You have to understand, being an agent is my job, and it's... all I know. I can't just drop everything. I'm not... normal. I never have been and I never will be. That's just the way it is." I explained with tears brimming my eyes. He nodded and leaned into my hand, his own eyes watering. He closed his eyes and sighed; a few tears fell down his cheeks. I sighed brokenly as I watched him. He looked like someone had just told him that his mom died. He sighed brokenly as well.

"I love you," he whispered, opening his eyes to look at me. A sob broke out of me and I closed my eyes. I shook my head softly and almost crumbled again for the second time today. His arms came around me carefully and held me close to him. I allowed my head to rest against his chest. He sighed and kissed my forehead. I trembled slightly as he held me. Slowly, I pushed him back.

"Marissa, please... don't go," he asked brokenly. His eyes red from tears like mine.

"I have to," I whispered. "I'm not any good protecting you if I'm too busy being distracted by you. You still have Katy and Vy; they're just as great as me." I straightened and headed for the door.

"Marissa wait," he tried again. I turned to him in time to see him moving slowly towards me again. I froze, not really sure if I should stay or leave. He slipped his hand around to lower back and closed the distance between us. He moved to kiss me again. I sighed and closed my eyes as his lips touched mine softly. I pulled away quickly.

"This is hard enough already Matt. Please... let me go," I said quietly. I looked over to him when he sniffled. His tears were back. I held his face and wiped his tears with my thumbs. Sighing, I put my arms around his neck and leaned into him. A part of me didn't want to leave him like this, but I knew it had to be done. He hugged me back and cried silently on my shoulder. I sat him down at the edge of his bed and walked to the door again.

"Goodbye," I whispered looking back at him briefly. I went downstairs quickly. Benny gave me a quick hug at the door.

"See ya later kitten," he smiled sadly. Before I left, I turned back to Benny.

"Don't wipe him," I asked softly. He smiled sadly and nodded.