Under the Radar

Mardi Gras

"Are you okay Marissa?" He asked softly into my hair. I straightened and sniffed once. I swiped under my eyes and took a step away from him.

"I'm fine," I shrugged it off. "We should start getting dressed." I said simply. He sighed, but didn't ask anything else about it. I was grateful for that because I didn't want to talk about it. Matt put on his tuxedo with a grass green dress shirt and I slipped on my magenta strapless dress. It was silky and flowed down to my feet. The top of it hugged me in a heart-shape. It tied in a black silk bow at my back. I straightened my hair and put a matching black silk ribbon in my hair, but kept my side bangs free flowing near my face. I left my makeup light and natural with a glossy pink lipstick. I accented it with a black clutch purse and black heels. When we both finished dressing, we headed out. I smiled over at him and took his hand.

Before I knew it, we were getting ready for the Mardi Gras parade. Matt was going to be on a float, and he insisted on dragging me along. So now, whether I wanted to or not, I was going to be on a float. Matt was being prepped for the event while I watched, curling a piece of my hair through my fingers. When Matt was done, he made me sit with him in the middle of all of the attention.

I clutched his hand tightly when the sun set and the parade began. There was music and lights everywhere. I leaned into Matt's side and put on a genuine smile as we slowly crawled through the city. Matt waved and smiled as his songs played in the background. When we finally made it to the end of the parade, we hopped off and made our way back through the crowd. We were stopped repeatedly when people asked for Matt's autograph. It got to the point where we were stopped completely by the crowd of people.

Matt didn't mind as he smiled and signed the things that were thrown his way effortlessly. I stayed back and watched with a soft smile on my face. I looked down confused when I felt someone tugging on my dress. A little girl with curly black hair and brown eyes smiled up at me. I smiled softly at her. Her smile widened, showing that her two front teeth were missing. I chuckled slightly and bent down so I was the same level as her. She looked to be only about five or six years old.

"Hi, sweetie. What's your name?" I asked softly. She giggled shyly and turned her head into her mom's leg.

"Her name is Isabella, but we call her Iz for short," her mom explained. I giggled and caught her eyes when she looked at me.

"You want to know a secret Iz?" I asked playfully. She came out from her mom's leg and nodded. I chuckled. "Iz is short for my name too." I smiled. She giggled and finally came out of her mom fully.

"Can you sign this?" she asked, her voice partially lisped from her missing teeth. I smiled and signed it, To Iz, from Iz. She handed it to her mom and wrapped her arms around my neck. I smiled softly and put my arms around her as well. I stood, picking her up. Her mom smiled at me. Her mom only held a look of love for her. I looked at the small girl in my arms and smiled softly. As I looked at her, a tear escaped me. I couldn't help but to think of how I didn't have that. I didn't have a childhood really. I had no idea where that thought even came from. Isabella looked at me and wiped my tear off.

"Don't cry," she said. She put her head down on my shoulder. I smiled through my tears.

"I think it's time for us to go, Iz," her mom said softly. Isabella switched from my arms to her mom's. Her mom looked at me when I straightened and brushed away my tears.

"Are you okay?" she asked me. I smiled and nodded.

"Yes, it's just that... seeing how much you love your daughter. I never... I didn't get a chance to have that," I said softly to her. She smiled at me sympathetically. I felt like I was about to start crying. "It was nice to meet you." I said to Isabella before I turned back to Matt. He caught me swiping a tear away and came closer to me. He gave me a worried look.

"Are you okay? What happened?" he asked, close enough so only I could hear. I smiled and nodded.

"I'm fine," I smiled. He didn't buy it, but he continued to sign things and take pictures. All the while, he continued to shoot me worried glances. He stayed as close to me as he could. Finally, the crowd thinned out and we were able to move again. He led me through the crowd with one arm around my waist protectively. Finally, we made it back to Benny. Against my will, the little girl popped back up in my head; how she went to her mom for protection; how she always would have someone who believed in her and loved her no matter what she did; and how I never got a chance to have that.

"Marissa?" Matt's voice broke through my thoughts. He was giving me a worried look.

"What?" I asked, looking over to him. My voice cracked on the word. It was only then that I realized I was crying. I wiped my cheeks and looked around at the faces watching me. "Can we go?" I asked softly as more tears streamed down my face. They both nodded and Matt led me to the car quickly. When we got inside, I leaned against Matt and let my tears flow freely. Matt held me quietly and didn't ask any questions. When we reached the hotel, I stayed in the car. I didn't want to move yet. Matt pulled back a little to look at me.

"What happened back there Marissa?" he asked softly. I only shook my head. I opened the door roughly and walked inside. I went up to the room by myself and sat on the bed with my arms wrapped around my legs. I rested my forehead on my knees and sobbed mercilessly. A few minutes later, I felt a comforting hand rubbing small circles on my back.

"Marissa? Will you tell me what's wrong?" Matt asked. I pulled my head up and looked at him. My sobs subsided. He wiped my tears off of my face, but they continued to flow. "Does it have something to do with that little girl?" He asked softly. I closed my eyes and smiled sadly. I laughed once and nodded.

"Yes, Iz," I said softly, my voice cracking on her name. Matt looked at me surprised.

"Her name was Iz?" he asked surprised. I nodded and looked forward, picking a blank spot on the wall to look at. "I still don't understand." Matt said softly. I sighed and closed my eyes. Opening them, I started to explain.

"Seeing that little girl with her mom made me think... and I never- I didn't have that; mom, a family, just... someone who wanted to protect me, instead of teaching me how to protect myself. Just someone who cared," I answered quietly. I sighed and closed my eyes tightly. "God, I don't even know who she is... or who they are for that matter." I added as more tears spilled out.

"Marissa," he sighed sympathetically. He moved to pull me into a hug. I knew that once I was in his sympathetic hug, my tears would spill out again. I unlocked my legs and stood up.

"I'm going to go take a shower and get ready for bed," I said softly. I left the room at locked the bathroom door behind me. I leaned against the sink and took deep breaths. I didn't need to think about it. What's done was done and I couldn't go back. I just needed to enjoy the time I had left with Matt... and stop letting my insecurities push him away. I got ready for bed and changed into my normal nightwear. I came back out to see Matt sitting on the bed. He gave me a worried look. He sat up and held his arms out for me. I smiled softly and went to sit in his lap. My back was against his chest and my legs were straight out in front of me. He kissed my head and started playing with a strand of my hair.

"Are you okay?" he asked quietly into my hair. I nodded and leaned back into him heavily.

"Just tired now," I said softly. Matt's arms went around me protectively and he rocked me a bit. I closed my eyes and started to get really sleepy. I turned my body so he was technically cradling me. I rested my head on his shoulder. He kissed my nose and started humming lightly.

"I love you," he whispered right before I completely fell asleep.