Sincerely Three ➶ Dear Evan Hansen

Five

TRIGGER WARNING FOR ATTEMPTED SUICIDE! Please be careful reading this chapter!

-

"Connor, come downstairs," Mr. Murphy called. Connor sighed as he tossed his last bag of weed into the trash. For Evan, for Evan, for Evan , he kept repeating to himself over and over again.

"What's up?" Connor tugged on his sleeves. He had had a good night the night before with Jared and Evan. He was in a good mood. Now he knew he was all going to come crashing back down around him.

"We need to talk, honey." Mrs. Murphy gave him a subdued smile. Zoe was sitting next to her at the table. Connor pursed his lips.

"About what?" he asked, feet glued to the floor. His entire family was staring holes into him.

"You aren't getting better, son," Mr. Murphy said. Connor clenched his fists. "We talked about this."

"Well, I was thinking--"

"Don't interrupt me," Mr. Murphy snapped.

"Larry--"

"No, I'm done with his impertinence!" Connor's father stood up abruptly. Mrs. Murphy jumped, as did Zoe. Connor took a deep breath.

"Dad, maybe if I just went to therapy, I could get help, I could get better--!" he pleaded.

"No!" Mr. Murphy shouted. Connor shrunk back. "You've done this to yourself! You aren't putting anything into this, into our family !"

"What family?!" Connor yelled. "All you do is berate me for not getting better when you never give me the chance to try!"

"Don't raise your voice at me!" Mr. Murphy snapped.

"Dad's right, Connor," Zoe spoke up. Connor stared at her. "You're such a piece of shit to us, all the time. It's like you don't even care!"

Connor felt like an ice cold fist was closing around his heart. Zoe, his baby sister, the sister he stood up for day and and day out, who he fought tooth and nail to protect, calling him a piece of shit.

"Zoe!" Mrs. Murphy gasped.

"Fuck you, Zoe!" Connor exclaimed, trying to ignore the fist ripping his heart out of his chest. "Maybe I don't care because you don't!"

Everyone went silent. Connor was breathing hard.

"Why..." he began, "why should I give you anything if I get nothing in return!"

"We're going out," Mr. Murphy said lowly. "When you grow up, you can maybe join us."

"Larry--Larry!" Mrs. Murphy ran out of the room after her husband. Zoe shook her head, shoving past Connor and out the door.

"I can't do this anymore," Connor whispered, silent tears spilling down his cheeks.

-

Ding!

Ding!

Ding!

Ding!

Ding!

Connor ignored his phone going off. He had been ignoring it for hours. He thought. He wasn't exactly sure. He was sitting in his bathtub, holding his mom's sleeping pills in his hand. His eyes flicked momentarily to his wrists as he pulled down the sleeves of his sweatshirt. He shut off the water from the flowing tap and settled back in the silence against the wall.

His phone rang as he stared at the prescription pills in his other hand.

Ding!

Ding!

Ding!

Then his phone started spouting his voicemails on and off, on and off.

"Connor, are you okay?" Jared's voice rang through the bathroom. "We're seriously worried about you, man. Please respond."

"Connor, you're seriously freaking us out. Evan is hyperventilating. You need to tell us what's going on."

"That's it, we're coming over."

Connor swallowed thickly.

Ding!

Ding!

Ding!

Ding!

"I'm sorry," he managed through his tears. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry."

He opened the lid of the pill bottle and poured them all into one hand. He lifted his shaking arm.

Ding!

Ding!

"CONNOR!" Jared's voice yelled as his front door crashed open. "Connor, are you okay?!"

Connor hesitated.

"C-Connor!" Evan shouted.

He looked them in the eyes, shoving the pills into his mouth and swallowing them all.

-

When Connor came to, all he saw was white. White lights, white walls, white coats of doctors. His first thought was that he had failed again .

Then arms were around him, and faces were being buried in his chest and shoulder, and he didn't understand what was happening until his eyes focused and he knew .

"Oh my god, I'm so glad you're safe," Jared stifled a sob, clutching his glasses in his hand. Connor's eyes shifted to Evan. He looked just like a lost little kid, even more so than usual. Evan's hands were fisting the front of Connor's shirt desperately, needing something to ground himself, something to know Connor was alive .

Then Evan was sobbing, his whole body shaking. Connor's eyes widened.

"I need you, I need you, I need you, I need you so much, Connor Murphy, you don't even know, you are always there for me, and now it's my turn, it's my turn to be there for you, okay?"

Connor didn't have words. He nodded, tightening his grip around Evan's shoulders. Connor's steady breaths sounded as the boys listened desperately for his heart beat, the rising and falling of his chest, signs of life . Jared was silent, and it was so uncharacteristic of the other boy, Connor briefly wondered how could they care this much? Jared wormed his way under Connor's blanket and latched onto the taller boy's side, and Evan rested comfortably on top of Connor's body, and the three of them were just an undecipherable pile of arms and legs, but they were happy.

Connor's eyes watered, and he nuzzled his face into Jared's hair to stifle the tears, and then Jared was crying too, and Evan started crying harder, but it was good . They had each other. They were there for each other.

It was right.