Sincerely Three ➶ Dear Evan Hansen

Thirteen

i'd like to point out that sometimes you can see jared's nickname as 'jar' and sometimes it's 'jare' it just depends on who wrote it lmao sorry

TRIGGER WARNING FOR ATTEMPTED SUICIDE! it isn't mentioned in detail but it is mentioned!

-

"W-Why was Connor a-at y-your house the other n-night?" Evan asked Jared. Connor was in the kitchen making them lunch; it was a Saturday, and they were hanging out at the Hansens' house.

"He wouldn't talk to me about it." Jared sighed. "He said something about a fight with Zoe, but he wasn't able to tell me anymore. He blacked out in the car. I'm really worried about him, Acorn. I don't think he's been eating well, and these fights with his family... none of it is any good for him."

Connor pursed his lips. Why do they even care?

"W-We shouldn't pressure him, h-he mi-might shut u-us out," Evan said. "I-I hope he's o-okay..."

Connor shook his head, trying to focus on what he was doing.

I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine. Connor glared at the carrot he was slicing.

You're far from fine, that dumb voice in the back of Connor's head taunted. You're falling apart. You're ruining everything. You always ruin everything.

"Shut up." Connor slammed the knife into the cutting board. Someone muted the TV in the other room.

"C-Connor?" Evan's voice called quietly.

"I'm fine." Connor gritted his teeth, running a hand through his hair.

"You sure?" Jared asked.

"I said I'm fine," Connor snapped, throwing the carrots into the pot of boiling water on the stove.

You're such an idiot! Stupid, stupid, stupid--

"Hey." Evan was suddenly standing in front of Connor's shaking form. "Is... is it o-okay if I touch y-you?"

Connor managed to nod. Evan placed his hand on Connor's face, stroking his cheek with his thumb.

"I love you, Connor Murphy," Evan mumbled, pecking Connor on the lips. "Okay?"

Connor's eyes widened. Evan frowned worriedly. "Wh-What? Did-Did I do s-something wrong?"

"No, no, Ev!" Connor tripped over his words. "No, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to worry you. It's just..."

"Connor Noah Murphy, don't tell me that was your first kiss!" Jared exclaimed. Connor blushed. Jared doubled over he was laughing so hard.

"Jared, you were my first kiss!" Connor retorted, but it only made Jared laughed harder.

"You're adorable." Evan giggled. Connor's face burned.

"You are pretty cute," Jared added with a smirk, leaning in to give Connor a kiss of his own.

"N-Now can y-you talk to us?" Evan asked. "Please?"

Connor took a deep breath. "Yeah. Just let me..."

He shut off the burner, placing the lid on the pot. Evan and Jared sat down at the table and waited for Connor to join them. He took his place between the others, playing with the sleeves of his hoodie.

"I got into a really bad fight with Zoe last Wednesday," he began. "But there was some stuff before that, y'know? Besides the whole... 'Dad got arrested' thing. Mom bailed him out, and none of them ever came to visit me in the hospital. Then when I was released, Dad looked ready to throw me to the wolves, but Mom convinced him to let me stay. Zoe locked herself in her room; wouldn't even look at me. Then when Wednesday rolled around..."

Connor closed his eyes, trying to block his sister's voice from his mind. Evan squeezed his hand and Jared kissed his cheek.

"She basically told me that I was a freak, that I was ruining our family, that she wished I was dead. Maybe... maybe if I had just succeeded in killing myself that one time in seventh grade, everything would be fine. She kept screaming that she hated me, and I just stood there and cried like a fucking loser." Connor laughed but there was no humor behind it. Evan hugged the taller boy, burying his face in the crook of Connor's neck. "And the most fucked up part about that is seventh grade wasn't even the first time I tried. It was just the first time they knew about."

"Connor," Evan whispered.

"I was twelve when I tried to kill myself," Jared admitted. Connor looked at the other, a bit startled. "I had just met Evan the year before, and everything seemed to be looking up, you know? But then I met Simon Xavier when he moved in next door. I was friends with him at first, but then one day we were outside in the snow, and I went out to make my own snow fort after we fought over who gets the land." He laughed sadly. "Stupid, right? Anyway, after I came back, he just wouldn't look at me. I tried to apologize, but it was the first time I've ever heard someone I care about call me a jerk. Evan and I weren't talking for a couple weeks then too, I fucked up a lot of my relationships during that month. I totally was a jerk to everyone, and I guess not much has changed. I-I got so mad and defeated. I stormed into my kitchen and took out the biggest knife we owned. After 5 minutes of just standing there, I thought about how my mom would react when she came downstairs to her dead son. After, I just went into the bathroom and cried for a full half hour. N-No one remembered. I don't think anyone knew. Evan and I got better, obviously." he lovingly squeezed Evan's hand. "But Simon is a different story. T-This is the first time I've told anyone since..." Jared never finished his story. He just started to cry and apologized, saying this wasn't supposed to be about him. Connor shook his head, gathering Jared up in his arms.

"You don't have anything to be sorry for anything, Jare, I love you, Evan loves you. You have just as much of a right to talking about this as anyone, okay? We're always here for you, no matter what. Simon can kiss my ass."

Jared managed a watery laugh, and Evan had joined the hug at some point as well, but Connor hadn't noticed when.

This is why I'm still here, Connor thought to himself.