Battle Scars

chapter 28 - painful memories

At first I was shocked, I expected to wake up in my bed at any second and realize that it was all just a dream. But I didn't wake up. This is not a dream, it's real. I completely break down. I don't even know what to think right now. Some people win the battle, and some loose.

Have you ever had one of those moments where, you are so extremely hurt, angry, sad, upset, and broken that you can't even cry so you just sit there, out of breath, staring at something, filled with pain? Well that's what I'm going through right now. I can't move I can't even cry. I can't find the strength to even hug him. I'm paralyzed with so many thoughts in my head.

What if he doesn't make it..... He'll suffer and there won't be anything I can do..... Even if he beats the cancer, there's no way to make sure it won't come back..... I can't loose him, but it's not my choice, it's cancer's choice...... I can't help him..... I can't save him..... All I can do is hope, and I don't know if that will be enough......

I feel his strong arms wrap around my waist, pulling me closer to him. He rests his head on top of mine and promises to never let go of me.... To never let go of life. That's when the tears start to fall. I cry silently and think about how it would be without him. Even as he's battling his cancer, he won't be the same Brandon I fell in love with.

"I love you Callie. Love is stronger than any type of cancer. I can beat this and I'll get through it. I promise, Callie."

The waves no longer seem so peaceful. The seagulls seem to be screaming rather than kindly talking to each other. The sun doesn't feel as comforting as it was before. Everything is dark and depressing, like the second he told me about his cancer my world literally came crashing down.

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That night, as I lay awake in bed, my head throbs and my eyes sting. Tears have drenched my pillow. I keep wishing Brandon would come lay with me and comfort me. I know I should be the one comforting him, but I really don't know how. I can't tell him everything will be okay because... I don't know if it will.

I roll over in my bed and face the door. The clock reads 2:34 in the morning and I haven't slept once tonight. My mind is just too full, so I stare into the darkness.

Morning comes slowly. I finish the bit of breakfast I decided to put on my plate, and collect everyone else's plates and silverwear. The silence is too painful, so to put an end to it, I turn on the sink water and begin scrubbing the dishes.

The sun shines through the window and onto my face. The sky is clear and blue and the grass is so green it looks a bit fake. I hear Brandon's words echo in my mind. 'Callie, baby, I have cancer.'

Suddenly the sky goes dark and it begins to pour. The grass dies in just a few seconds. The plate I was washing falls to the tiled floor as I watch my dads car crash into another right outside the house. My heart breaks all over again as I'm reminded of the moment Jude and I found out we were going into foster care.

I cry as I remember the horrifying moment with Liam. The same day Jude and I were kicked out of the Olmstead's and dumped in an abusive foster home.

I scream when I get thrown into juvie again, getting seperated from Jude. I'm frusterated the same way I was before when I tried to explain that I was only sticking up for my brother. Just like before no one is  listening. No one really cares.

The scars on my wrists split open again, hurting like crazy. There's nothing I can do to stop any of it. I can't change the past. I can't push it out of my head either. It will all always be there: the car crash, Brandon's cancer, Liam, the Olmstead's, our abusive foster father, juvie, the scars... Everything.

The memories stop the second I sit up in my bed. My hair is damp with sweat and my face is wet with tears. My throat hurts and Mariana is kneeling next to me, which tells me I really was screaming. The pain of my past hurts me so much that it's not emotional pain. It physically hurts to think about. And it will never end because it's not like I'm writing a paper for school; I can't erase what is already written.

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Author's Note:

Guys I just watched the trailer for The Fault in Out Stars and I'm kinda freaking out... I can't wait till this summer!!

Anyway.... So this chapter is ment to tell you that you can't change what already happened and you can't push it away either. No matter how much it hurts and no matter how much it sucks, it's not going away. But the best thhing to do is move on. Don't spend the rest of your life trying to change it or trying to get rid of it. It won't work. The memories will always be there. Don't be ashamed of your past either because everything you've gone through, did, saw or heard, helps make you the person you are. This might sound cheesey but it's true: You're amazing just the way you are because God made you and God makes no mistakes. So don't cry over the past. Your past defines and makes you the person you are and being you is the best thing you can do.!