Battle Scars

chapter 35 - prison

The alarm on my phone went off at 5:30 as always to remind me that I have to go back to school, which is more like prison. I have no energy. By that, I mean I can barely get out of my bed. Somehow though, I managed to gain the strength to go take a shower.

The second I step into the shower and under the warm water, tears start falling. It's not even 6:00 in the morning and I'm already crying? What happened to me? The Callie I was before almost never cried. I really can't help it amymore.

I'm disapointed in my body. I haven't been eating right. The last full meal I ate was probably over a month ago. But it's not like I'm trying to lose weight, I just haven't been able to eat. Literally, I can't get myself to eat. So now I'm getting a thigh gap, my colar and hip bones are starting to show, and my stomach is too thin.

A lot of girls would kill to have a body like mine. But honestly, I hate it. It's not healthy, and it's not nearly as attractive as some people say it is. I mean, we all come in different shapes and sizes, but this size isn't me. No one should be this thin, and it's terrible that people are pressured to look like this.

Most of the time I take quick showers, but today I decided to stay in the hot water and cry as long as I could. When I get back in the room, Mariana just finished pulling a sweater on over a solid black tank top.

"If you need a shower, you should take one before Jude wakes up cause he uses all the hot water," I say, still wrapped in an all white towel.

"I took one last night, I don't have the motavation to even shower right now."

I don't respond, I just pick out an outfit - leggings, a dark purple tank top, and Brandon's gray hoodie - and get dressed. I don't even blow-dry my hair, I just throw it up in a bun, still wet. Since it's still early and all I have left to do is put on my shoes and brush my teeth, I lay back down in my bed. I don't fall asleep, but I curl up in a ball and silently cry into my pillow.

************

Me and Katelyn walk together to school today while Mariana, Jesus, and Jude ride in the car with Lena. We get to the door to the school and Katelyn stops.

"I really don't feel too great."

"I know," I said, "me either."

We go in after a minute, but it takes a lot of energy to even tell myself to open the door. I'm not bullied, Katelyn is, and that's worse than being bullied myself. She's my best friend, she's hurting so bad, and there's nothing I can do about it.

Today is by far the worst. I walk to her locker with her and when she opens it, a bunch of papers fall out of it. Each one of them says something different. One says "fat", another says "ugly", a light blue one has "emo" written on it. The worst one was the yellow paper with the words "kill yourself" scribbled on it.

I help her stuff them all in the trash as she cries. We get to the last few and notice there's a "gift" underneath. An unopened pack of razors. I nearly throw up at the sight of it. The fact that anyone would do that is sickening.

Katelyn slams her locker shut and walks to the end of the hall. When she's away from the crowd of people, she starts sobbing.

"How did they even get my locker combination? Why do they want me gone so bad? What did I do, Callie? What did I ever do to them?" I hold her close and rock her a little. I wish I could help her. I want her to believe that she's loved. I need her to actually be happy again.

I went through all of 1st hour thinking about Katelyn. Now I'm searching for her in the hallway, but we only have 5 minutes to talk anyway. When I found her, she was coming out of the bathroom with her head down.