Lost and Insecure: Janoskians Fan Fic

Chapter 4

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‘You’re not from around here are you?’ Jai asked, I could see he was examining me so I looked straight at my feet. ‘No, I um…… well I kinda…… it doesn’t matter why I’m here, it’s a long story’

‘I’ve got plenty of time, I was just on my way down to Coles anyway, walk with me’ he looked into my eyes and smiled. I flashed him a little grin, but I really didn’t feel like smiling…. Not at all. I began telling Jai everything that had happened today, I was about to tell him about my problem…because I had skipped that part out until now, and I chocked on my sobs. Jai turned to me, ‘I won’t judge you’ he said staring right into my eyes. ‘It’s okay, as soon as I heard you at the park, I knew that I needed to help you, I wanted to help. If you let me in I’ll do my best to help out’ I smiled, a real one this time and I sniffled before looking down. I slowly lifted up my top, revealing my heavily scarred stomach. Jai stood there silent; I quickly threw my top back down and started walking faster. It was really hard to show him that and he was gobsmacked, he didn’t have anything to say just like everyone else. I didn’t look into his eyes because I didn’t want to see the horror and fear in his eyes, that’s what everyone would think.

Jai grabbed my wrist and I turned to face him, I still made the effort not to look into his eyes. ‘I’m sorry I listened into your phone conversation, and from what you were saying I thought that you were self-harming it just upset me, you’re so beautiful and I hate to see people in this state. I don’t know how I can help you yet, all I know is that I need to help you’. And with that Jai affectionately held my hand and we continued to Coles. As we lined up at the cash register I finally finished my story. ‘And then I walked up to you and asked where the shops were’ I finished and looked at my basket. Jai nodded then exclaimed, ‘I totally forgot to ask what your name is, I’m’, I cut Jai off,

‘I know you’re Jai Brooks! My name’s Jess,’

‘Oh, well do you want to go back to the park, for a chat? I’ve still got an hour before I need to be home.’ I smiled kindly and nodded. We chatted on the way to the park; just small talk Jai asked me lots of questions about myself. I answered all of them, I didn’t need to ask Jai very many questions, I knew everything about him. Not in a creepy way, in an I’m a massive fan kind of way.

We got to the park and we sat down. I had a feeling that I was about to see the compassionate caring side of Jai.

JAI’S POV

We sat down in the park, I decided that I was going to try and get as much as I could out of Jess, I want to help her, I have no idea how to deal with this but I’ll figure it out, I want to make sure that she’s okay. There’s something special about Jess, she’s a really nice girl and she deserves to be happy, I wonder if she likes me? She’s beautiful.

‘You know you helped, a lot’ Yes stated as she adjusted her hair

‘What do you mean?’ I asked her, I honestly had no idea what she was talking about, so I listened in intently.

‘I’d been considering it for months and months, since around May. I thought that I was strong enough to stop myself but then in September, something happened and I just lost it. The Janoskians helped in the months before September, they kept me from doing it, and you stopped me from doing it.’ She stopped to take a breath.

I hesitated before asking, ‘What happened in May?’

‘I’m sorry’ she mumbled, ‘I’m not sure if I’ll ever be able to share that with you’ She looked down and a few tears trickled off her cheeks.

‘Don’t cry Jess’ I exclaimed pulling her in for a hug. She wrapped her arms around me and we sat there, I could feel her heartbeat, it was fast and her breathing was a little short. ‘I’ll wait’ I said to her looking her in the eyes. My god she has beautiful eyes, they’re a weird mix of grey but their gorgeous. She noticed I was looking at her eyes and she began to blush I giggled a little coz I think it was so cute. ‘Why?’ I let that one word roll of my tongue, hoping for a reply, but I wasn’t really expecting one. Jess looked up at me

‘Wherever I was, I just never felt good enough for anyone or anything. At school I was never smart enough, I was never pretty enough, I wore my hair to slick, I was too skinny or I was too much of a teacher’s pet. At home I was too lazy, I never did anything around the house or I was to glued to my computer. And then there was gymnastics, I love the sport. But I’ve never ever ever been good enough. I’m not flexible enough, not tough enough, to head smart, I over think or chicken out. I watched you boys on youtube over and over to let my mind run away, but reality always hit back hard. Then I finally lost it. You know the beauty of self-harm is that I actually took away the pain, not some boys or singers; I had control over my emotions for once!’ I looked at her in amazement, I didn’t know what to say, the way she said ‘the beauty of self-harm’ it really must of gotten to be a lot if she felt that way.

‘But how did you actually you know?’

‘I was a little scarred at first, but the pain it allowed me to escape the thoughts. I planned it for a long time, to make sure no one would notice. I didn’t cut my wrists because I knew people would see, and because I at gymnastics I wear short bike shorts my thighs were ruled out. So my stomach seemed like the perfect spot. And the best bit was that training on it made the pain come back when I was training, doing a back bend ripped open the fresh scars, allowing me to escape just a little bit more often.’ This was just horrifying, the thoughts she was riddled with, they scarred me a little, but I can’t imagine how much it terrified her. I made sure not to look surprised or scarred for her, she needed someone and that was going to be me. I stood up and helped Jess up too. I looked around then asked, ‘I have to go now, mum will want the groceries, what are you going to do?’ Jess looked at the ground and replied ‘Nothing’

‘What?’

‘Nothing!’ she screamed, ‘I can’t do anything Jai, I can’t face my parents and I have nowhere to go! I’m just going to sit on the bench for the night!’ As soon she had yelled at me she frowned. ‘I’m sorry Jai, I’m just so stressed. I have nothing’

‘Come with me, mum won’t mind having one more, stay with us, at least for tonight’ Jess looked up at me with a smile and she nodded. ‘Let’s go’ I smiled as we walked back to my house.