Paper Hearts ▪ Lams

6

December 27th, 2012

John's Bedroom

8th grade

//but you'll be good without me and if I could give it some time//

John looked into his bathroom mirror.

He wanted to scream at the top of his lungs; so loud that the mirror would shatter. He wanted to punch the wall and leave behind a dent. He wanted to let his tears fall until they flooded the sink below him.

But he didn't do any of that.

His dad had told him that boys don't cry. Boys aren't allowed to have emotions. He would be hit if he shed a tear.

His hands gripped the sink tightly, his knuckles turning white. He breathed heavily and quickly, his emotions spiraling violently in his mind.

"God damnit," he mumbled under his breath.

He looked at himself in the mirror, his eyes filling with tears. Why was he like this? Why did he have to fall for the wrong person?

He shook his head and looked down. He couldn't cry. He wouldn't cry.

He ran his fingers through his hair roughly, pulling some loose strands out as his fist slammed onto the sink. He let out a groan of annoyance.

His feelings were piling up inside of him and he soon wouldn't be able to control his actions. His tears would flood out of his eyes uncontrollably and he would scream at whoever tried to calm him down. He couldn't hold this in for much longer. But, he did.

No one noticed, either.

But why would they? He didn't act differently. He laughed along with his friends, he answered the questions he was asked in class, he posted normally on social media. So why on earth would someone notice that he was in pain?

It was his eyes.

His eyes held his emotions sadly. He smiled brightly, but his eyes cried. His eyes were oceans of sadness filled with the uncried tears that lingered there. They were like dungeons of sadness that refused to let him show any emotion other than happiness. And he was suffering terribly.

"Stupid oblivious Alexander," he mumbled, beginning to pace around his small bathroom.

His family now lived in a small two bedroom apartment. His Ma was three months pregnant, too. And his dad's alcoholism was not getting better, making the beatings John received increase.

John's life was falling apart, and no one suspected a thing.

And now Alexander was in a happy relationship with someone that wasn't John.

John had to sit through their flirting and hand holding and whispering and blushing and all that shit that built their happy relationship. All the shit that was tearing him down.

He listened to Alexander for hours about how he wanted to make Eliza his wife someday and have kids and live happily ever after, and it'd only been a week or two. Apparently Alexander had a crush on Eliza for almost a year now.

John wanted to tear his hair out. He wanted to scratch his skin until it bled. He wanted to scream until his voice gave out. He wanted to get his emotions out.

But he bottled them up.

He did it for Alexander. If Alexander was happy, John was happy. He should be, right? Then why wasn't he happy? Why wasn't he celebrating Alexander's new found love? Why wasn't he smiling each time he thought of the boy? Why did tears spring to his eyes every time he thought of him?

Why didn't Alexander love him back?

John stood in front of the mirror again, gripping the edges of the sink. He looked at his reflection and cursed when he saw tears falling out of his eyes.

He wiped them off his cheeks violently, sniffling harshly and trying desperately to catch his breath. His sleeves were covered in his tears soon as he tried to stop the water works that were pooling out of his eyes.

The picture of Alexander holding Eliza close to him replayed in his mind over and over, taunting him and threatening to crush his soul. All he could see was him kissing her cheek and whispering how much he loved her into her ear, only for her to respond with a giggle and a blush.

John only dreamed about filling her shoes. He knew that he never had a chance with Alexander, but he refused to accept it. He wanted to hold onto a sliver of hope that told him he still had a chance. He wanted to so badly.

John looked in the mirror once more. He saw the pain hidden in his eyes. He felt it in his heart. His lip quivered.

John broke. His heart shattered as he let tears pool out of his eyes and looked down into the sink, suppressing a sob.

"Alexander..."