Get It Straight, Or Say Good Night

Where My Mind Will Go

Baby Evie was sitting up tapping blocks on the rug in the lounge room, John tapping along showing her how to stack, how to begin a beat like uncle Ringo.

Louie peeked around the corner, he was different when no one was looking, it was like he was embarrassed to be 'playing games' with a baby. It was possibly due to his own father's callous desertion, maybe Mimi's strict stance as she brought him up, bundled with the loss of his mother when he only just discovered her again, all meeting inside him pushing away from outward displays of affection to children instead of bringing closer.

John discovered her reconnaissance and immediately straightened and stopped interacting with the baby.

"No don't stop" Louise put the tea towel down quickly and knelt behind John leaning over his shoulder.  Tapping a block, Lou got another Evie smile.

John froze, the on-off button was so old.

They had to be on for George, for her parents then everything got turned off when Paul came strutting round. He'd start playing with her hair, snatching a kiss. They weren't a thing, it was only a fucked-up convenience for the two, that John could see. Every time Jane lost her lolly over her career, Paul strolled in and played 'ouse with Louise.

John took a deep breath and tried to keep it together, it was the deal, he knew it.

It was what was wrong, she let him fuck half of London because she promised- no strings. She let him walk off without asking where he was going or when he would be getting home. And she never asked him to grab the milk, bread, eggs like any other wife would do. And just the other day, admitting to selling her precious camera to buy her and Evies things, not wanting to use him.

Never did she make him more than what he himself, had wanted to be.

If the deal hadn't been done what would they be today; Different, apart, together? Lost in a sea of heady romance, or nothing? Her in Liverpool, him in London never to even be like this- together, contorted and bound by the deal in some strange type of 'relationship'.

"She looks more and more like you every day, don't you Evie?" He sing-songed the last words making Evie gummy grin up at him, one tooths' slip of white flashing them,  just about through her gum.

"I'm not so sure that's a good thing!?" Louie laughed quietly as she tapped Evie's nose "Thank you John for everything. I can't repay you just now but one day, when Georgie leaves me all his dosh, I should be able to put a down payment down" Louie cackled at her own joke and kissed John's shoulder, giving him a companionable squeeze then she was leaning on him to stand again.

John looked blankly down upon the baby's head, the dark patch of hair was thickening daily and soon Evie would have a headful of long beautiful tresses like her mum.

Why am I like this he pondered solemnly, push-pull like some weird gadget that can't work right, can't even sing right half the time either; Much prefer Paul's vocals.
Maybe I 've been a wanker with her, he questioned silently as he watched Lou lean over and touch the baby's chin... but should I bother.... do I want the bother.

Lou isn't the prettiest girl in the world, shes not a model that's for sure but her eyes mesmerise me, he mused, and her smile warms the room and with her becoming a mum she has blossomed into what he loved in a woman- curves and legs. She is true, calls a spade a spade, smart as a whip and pulls, scornful me, into line. 

He tussled with himself as Lou, oblivious to his heads tangent, sat on the mat in front of him tapping the blocks, chattering away with baby Eve, with not a care in the world. John's head raced ahead of him and finally, he was at the point of no return.

I think I care but ..... oh flipping heck  this is a bloody great stuff up really, who the hell am I kidding here.

"You never ask where I go, never. Don't you care"

The statement left his lips laced with bitterness and he grit his teeth awaiting Lou's reply. He wasn't one to show that he craved this – someone to care. Which, unfortunately, made him irate at his own failings and insecurities.

"I'm not supposed to, am I?" Louie levelled him with a good hard look and stood, picking up the baby's empty bottle from the table. John was up and on her in seconds pushing Lou roughly against the door frame, making her squeak in surprise.

"Do you care or not?!"

"Yes but-"

"No. No 'buts' Louise" John leaned heavily on her as her back pressed tight against the woodwork, she didn't dare look up. "Look at me, damn-it. Do you care?"

"John you're hurting me" Lou wouldn't look up as she assumed it would only upset John further when he saw her face. She was angry, upset, mad and as confused as can be at his outburst.

He began pacing as Lou grappled with his swift mood change. Too soon he was stood in front of her again, grasping her wrists as she leaned away from his anger, his burning eyes.

"I can't do this anymore. We need to finish this whole fucking charade" John ran hands through his hair and grimaced down at Evie "I want visits, custody whatever it's called"

"But she's-"

"Don't you even dare say it Louise, she's mine" He stalked away to his bedroom slamming the door making everything in the house rattle.

Evie was screaming, Lou was shell shocked. Confused and addled by the last few minutes altercation and she couldn't make head nor tail of it. She dropped heavily down beside Eve, tugged the sobbing infant to her chest wondering what in the devil had brought Johns sudden tirade on.