Always Is Not Forever (Breaking Myself - Part II)

1. The One Where I Humiliated Myself

[ A L I N A ' S P O V ]

"I don't think I can do this," I mumbled to the phone, clutching it tightly under my grip. My words seemed shaken, my hands seemed shaken. Huh, the whole of me was shaken to the core.

The white tall building sat across me with its intimidating look . The students peered in and out, some in groups others lonely like me, trying to adjust to the first day of college. College. Finally, I was in college, away from my family and learning to live on my own even if I had been doing it since a long time ago.

I closed my eyes and scolded myself for thinking about it again. It was a new start, a new place and a new dream. It was College. All I had to do was enjoy like any other adolescent, make friends and live my life to fullest even if it meant I had to pretend about it. No more sadness, tears and the pain of the past.

"You're worrying for no reason," he said from the other side. "It isn't that bad. Just some seniors bonding with juniors."

I bit my lower lip. "You mean ragging?"

"No." He sounded reluctant. "Alina, it's not that hard. I had my first day of college yesterday and it wasn't that tough."

"It wasn't even easy. Moreover, you're in New Delhi. I'm in a new state. I'm scared. In school--"

"Which has ended," Dhruv deadpanned. "It won't be that tough. You can do it. Where is Kabir?"

I maundered my gaze around the campus for the one last time before entering the corridors and gathered my strength to face anything that comes in my way. I could do this. I had to do this.

"His lectures starts early," I whined. "I hate it. College sucks."

"Positive vibes, Alina, positive vibes," He laughed. "You haven't even seen anything. Go. Your first lecture starts in 10 minutes."

I blinked rapidly and before cutting the call, I asked him for the last time. "Do you think I can do this? Be normal and make friends?"

His voice softened when he replied, "You're not normal, Alina. You're different. Embrace it. And miss, why do you need friends when you have me?"

"Because I need someone normal, not who jokes around for stupid things."

"Hey--"

Before he could say anything further, I said bye and cut the call laughing. Somedays, he was the only one who could help me to see the better of me, pull my leg but still thought about me when I would be too confused about the future. Telling him wasn't on my plate, but he asked me upfront that he wanted to know what was the deal with me, and I told him. I told him how I hated whenever he gets too close or make sexual jokes because I wasn't comfortable with them.

It didn't stop his jokes, but he learned to make distance and that I was grateful for.

You could do this.

Repeating the same mantra in my head, I entered the class and chose the last seat, so I couldn't feel people staring at my back, making me feel uncomfortable with my environment. I wish Nisha was here. With her, I got this weird confidence that as long as she was there, I would be fine and nothing would terrify me but the old fear was rushing into my veins, gripping the positiveness I had stored in my mind. Ice. It felt like ice was clutching my legs as I stared ahead at the teacher who introduced himself to us and the course of Introduction to Poetry.

The world was enclosing within me as I saw the number of children sitting in front of me, and I was enclosing within them. My grip tightened around my hand as I scribbled useless stuff at the back of my notebook. Nothing helped.