Always Is Not Forever (Breaking Myself - Part II)

45. The One Where I Believe Him

"Alina, fine there?" The voice brought me back to present, diverting me from the thoughts I had been thinking from past week. Mom's word rang back, imagining Kabir in that position. Was he fine? Why had he done it?

Had he really done it for me?

Why would he invite nightmares to his own door? Was there any other motive of his visit to New York, and stupidly, I had been angry on him for forgetting me?

Offering her a weak smile, I nodded. "I'm not feeling good. Can we cut it short?" The frown appeared on Dr. Sha's forehead, but nevertheless, she nodded. "Thank you. Can I ask you something?"

"Ask away."

"Is it possible for a depressed person to have it back?" She arched her brows. "What's the main reason anyone goes into depression?"

"It could be any. Why?"

"Nothing." I played with the thread of my top, squeezing it between my thumb and index finger. "Why would anyone get nightmares?" I whispered.

"Why do you get them?"

"Because the scene is too horrifying," I clarified. "No matter how much you try, your soul knows what happened is wrong." Changing my gaze, I placed it on the window, on the clear sky after hours of fog, on the shields that kept me inside. "How much can anyone love someone before they break themselves?"

"Alina," She called out. "You okay?"

I couldn't tell her anything if what Kabir did was true, it would raise questions, call the attention of authorities, could get him into jail, could take him away from me.

"Before I met Kabir, I didn't think about love. It wasn't something I was interested in. My whole life was on getting through the day, breathing, existing and doing. But then I met him. He showed me how wrong I was, how I could get anything in the world if I dared." Closing my eyes, I added, "I never thought anyone could love me in such a way to give themselves up. He fights with everyone for me. I know I deserve this love."

"Happy?"

"Terrified." Of what he could do, of what I had made him do.

* * *

Rummaging through the box, I kicked it to the side after not finding what I had been looking for. It was there the last time I had seen it. Taking a quick breath, I shifted to another box, searched through it and another until I found what I had been looking for.

Grinning, I smoothed down the feathers and trailed to our room to find Kabir engrossed in his books, his specs nearly falling out of his eyes as he read through them. Last night again he had a nightmare, shaking and trembling. I had endeavored to ask him about Rishi, but died down, seeing his frantic breath or how he had a hold on to him, murmuring to not leave him alone.

But a fear escalated, growing further as I ponder on the fact of his doings. What should I do? Turn a blind eye and avoid or look for it? Should I ask him? Would he answer? What if I was wrong and Rishi had invited it to himself? At one point, I had felt this satisfaction, a mere happiness that he wouldn't be able to touch me now.

And I was free.

Free from him, from everything.

Shaking my head, I joined Kabir on the bed and placed the dreamcatcher on his feet. His eyes didn't stray from his books and project sheets. Sighing, I tapped his arm and he looked up. "What?"

"This." I pointed at the white feathered dreamcatcher, stored in one of the subscription boxes. "This will keep your nightmares away."

For few minutes, he assessed it, brushed his finger against it. "This feathers and beads? Don't joke, Alina."