Always Is Not Forever (Breaking Myself - Part II)

[ K I Y A N ' S P O V ]

[ K I Y A N ' S P O V ]

I was gay.

And that's how everything in my world made a difference.

Curling the pen around my fist, I tried to concentrate on the words imprinted on the paper but the tingling of the toes against my calf forced me to grit my teeth in anger. From the corner of my eye, I tried to warn him, to make him see how wrong it was for us to display such type of affection in the public even if people had grown used to the idea of such relationship, I wasn't out yet.

I couldn't get out yet because I was too damn fucking scared of the result it held for me.

"Stop it."

Let me read.

Let me study.

But my requests weren't answered and the pressure of his foot increased.

He shouldn't do this.

He shouldn't tempt in the middle of the library with people surrounding us.

He shouldn't risk our relationship getting out.

And all of a sudden, the warmth of his toes eluded, the screech of the chair registered in my ear and pair of fingers brushed my shoulders lightly and disappeared behind my back. From the corner of my eyes, I assessed the people sitting around me, busy with their books and pen, and here I was, hiding a secret deep within myself. When I was sure, none of the people had any stray eyes on me, I closed my book, pretended to search its other edition and disappeared in one of the back aisles, within the container of the various stories and the hidden life.

Stories of my mother hidden in those walls.

Stories I wasn't allowed to read before, but now I was sixteen, an ideal age for her to allow me to read her books.

If only she knew I had sneaked myself to read her books when I had been fourteen.

I should have listened to her, should have known why I had been restricted to read, should have understood why her books come under the age limit rather than concerning the new age teenagers.

Too dark.

Too twisted.

And yet, it pleased my soul in an unknown world.

Yet, a pair of hands grabbed my school t-shirt collars and before I knew, I felt the warmth first, always the warmth before his curved around the nape of my neck, before I smash him to the nearest wall and tried to keep down the voices as much as possible.

The library was silent but not the harsh breath of our mouth, mingling together in their own creation and I was silent wondering my hands around the nape of his neck, too hard as compared to the girl's skin but yet appealed me more.

I see the way you look at him.

Yes, I was in love with him, but the thing had been, I couldn't scream it out to the world like the rest of my siblings, I couldn't discuss this with my parents as they could, I couldn't hope them to understand when I felt too conflicted in some of the situations.

"You know," He breathed. "You are distracted." His lips slid down to the slant curve of my jaw.

"I am not." To prove my point, I slipped my hand down to his school pants and hooked my fingers inside the belt. "Am I still distracted?"

"Fuck, Kiyan," He cursed, his breath coming back to normal. "You tease too much." I cocked my eyebrow in the air to remind him who had been teasing whom earlier but his laughter had another story.