Kill Our Way to Heaven (Jikook) ✔

Chapter 18

ᴄʜᴀᴘᴛᴇʀ 18
"ʜᴇᴀᴠᴇɴ ɪɴ ʜɪᴅɪɴɢ"

"Did you write that song yourself?" Jungkook carefully asked, reading over the messy notes on the display. He could hear the notes being played in his head and he was frankly impressed by the complexity and emotion hidden within. Taehyung only hummed in response.

"I just finished it but I've been working on it for quite some time, I guess," he explained, leaning back on the chair. Jungkook nodded not taking his eyes off the sheet paper.

"It sounded really good," the younger complemented, looking over. Taehyung let a flattered smile reach his lips.

"Thank you," he quickly said. Even though to many it was just a sentence, to Taehyung it was an affirmation. An affirmation that despite him not studying music he wasn't a complete failure when it came to his art. It was almost permission for him to take pride in his creation, to see it as more than something only he liked.

Jungkook inspected the notes written down in closer detail. His gaze landed on the lyrics at the side, quickly skimming over them. Most words were sad and loaded, easily conveying one sole emotion, namely guilt. They told the story of a man who was drowning in his sins but still begging for forgiveness, only to make it worse. There was a big internal conflict behind it with blame around every twist and turn all shoved onto the character. There were others in the song as well, only making the singer fall further in despair and misery. 

Jungkook glanced at the title. Stigma, that was the sole idea of the song, the foundation of it. No description fitted it better. For a second, the younger wondered where the song came from. It was too real to be fiction, it hit too close and with too much strength. He wondered what stigma Taehyung had faced to make him write something filled to the brim with tragedy.

As if the elder could read his mind, he answered in a low and soft voice. "I guess the song is really close to me in a way," he stated, seeing the younger read the lyrics. Jungkook met his gaze.

"What is it about?" he asked, carefully reading the elder's expression. His voice was soft and harmless but he knew the question could come across as quite the opposite. Taehyung just gave him an understanding smile.

 "It's almost like an unwritten letter to my family," he started. "You see, a couple months ago I came out to my parents. They didn't really react badly perse, they just didn't seem to understand me."

The elder let out a deep sigh before continuing, giving Jungkook the chance to flash him a sympathetic smile. "It seems like success and gay are opposites to them. By that logic, if I do well over here at university they'll forget about me ever saying a thing, but I doubt they actually will," Taehyung explained. "I will probably return home in a few years and they'll be just as stigmatized towards me as before. Nothing really changes in my hometown, I don't expect my parent's minds to change either," he ended with a humourless chuckle. Tears pricked in his eyes but he kept them at bay by blinking furiously and taking a deep breath in. 

"I'm sorry," Jungkook said slowly and softly. He knew there weren't any words to make it better, least of all fix it, but he could at least show the elder he was there for him. "I don't know what it's like to not be accepted for my sexuality, everyone I cared about was quite acceptant, for the most part at least. But I do know what it's like to carry something which seems almost poisonous to talk about, believe me, I do. I know what it's like to be brainwashed into believing that something that is such a big part of you is something so wrong that no one can know, or else they'll look at you like a monster. I know how you want to blame others for making you feel like that, even though you slowly start to believe them every now and then. I know the temptation is even bigger to hate yourself for it, to absolutely despise yourself for something you can't help only because you are told it is wrong... and I'm sorry that you feel the same." 

Even though Jungkook's words were mere softly emitted stutters, him stumbling through his words and biting away his tears going through them, they still resonated in Taehyung's mind long after he had spoken them. For a second he just stared at the younger, his gaze filled with a mixture of awe and sympathy. In that exact moment, they seemed to understand each other perfectly. Just their gazes were enough to form that connection.

"I don't know what it is you're hiding, Jungkook, and frankly I have no right in knowing. But I'm truly sorry that you feel the same as me," Taehyung said, looking back at his hands which were still resting on the white jade. 

Silence fell between them, neither knowing how to continue their conversation less awkwardly. Taehyung just ticked on the keys nervously, not hard enough to actually create a key but loud enough to let the sound of his nails hitting the stone run through the practice room. Jungkook just looked at his own hands which were clasped together on his lap, his leg twitching in anticipation. 

Suddenly the silence got broken by quick piano keys in a strangely happy tune. Jungkook couldn't help but smile at the elder's silly expression who acted as if he was completely engulfed in the music. The sound of his laughter mixed with the slightly messed up piano keys managed to make the elder laugh as well.

"I never took you for a Charlie Chaplin fan," Jungkook said in between chuckles. Taehyung just smiled at him. 

"I never took you for someone who would know Charlie Chaplin, I guess I overestimated how young you were," the elder answered in the same tone. Jungkook let out an offended gasp.

"I'm only one year younger than you!" he said with a smile on his face.

"It's alright, I like younger men," Taehyung quickly answered with a small wink. Jungkook looked away, back at his hands. He felt his entire face grow red. He hated how much effect the elder had on him with just a simple twitch of his eye. He almost acted like a love-struck schoolgirl and he absolutely despised it. He didn't want to lose control over something as his emotions due to something so minor as a small crush.

"Even though I love flirting with you and seeing how red your face can get," Taehyung started, suddenly a lot more serious. He just earned a playful shove from the younger at his words. "It's probably easier just ask it to you straightforwardly. So, would you like to go out with me sometime? And I mean like a proper date, not an awkward lunch in-between like before," the elder asked with a curious look. There was a slight shimmer of insecurity hidden behind his eyes that Jungkook took note of.

The younger couldn't help but feel conflicted, his fingers tapping on his legs nervously. He promised himself that he wouldn't get close to him. He was dangerous, demons followed him everywhere and they wouldn't think twice to use Taehyung as a way to get to him. He couldn't put the other in danger. But in that moment that seemed to all fall away. With Taehyung's expectant eyes on him, Jungkook tried to convince himself that they'd make it work, that they would protect each other. Taehyung offered him too much comfort to let go without doubts and regret. He wanted desperately to stay, too desperately to say no.

"I'd love to," Jungkook decided, trying to control his voice as much as possible. Taehyung smiled kindly at him, almost gratefully.

And so they continued to play random songs, some happy, some sad. Every now and then their hands would touch when reaching for the right keys, neither of them would mind. The only one who minded was the angel still lurking in the corner. Every time the couple touched he averted his gaze, feeling jealousy creeping up in his heart before he could stop it.

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Hello, it's me again, with more questions to help you along your quest.

- Who and what is Taehyung?
- Why are there angels disappearing?
- Why didn't the mark work on Jungkook?