The Hart Game

Chapter Twenty-Eight

CASSIE

He blames himself.

Luke blames himself for his brother dying.

Just hearing him retelling his story, I felt the pain that he had, still has. I don't even think he's ever told anyone about blaming himself. But he has to know that he couldn't have predicted the crash. That he couldn't have predicted that the road would have been so slippery the truck at the intersection couldn't control it and slid past the stop light only to collide with them.

I was holding his hand and I just realized that I hadn't known that I reached for his hand. "It wasn't your fault."

He snaps his head to look at me. While he was telling me what happened, he was looking off at the waterfall, only he wasn't here. He wasn't here with me, he was back in his car with his brother. The car that we had ridden from the school, and I had been driving. No wonder he was always hesitant about someone else driving Baby while he was in the passenger seat. He must have so much trust me.

That gutted me. Knowing that eventually he's going to know about the bet and he's going to feel that I had broken his trust. The very thing that he is afraid of.

"If I didn't go to the Dungeon, trying to fuel my addiction of fighting, he wouldn't of had the feeling like he had to come get me. If I hadn't snuck out of the house to finish what I had started, he wouldn't have gotten into that car. It was because of me he went out that night. Because I made a promise and broke it and it wasn't the first time I had broken that promise. It was my fault!" He kept going. He kept blaming himself. His words becoming louder and louder with each word. I didn't know what to do, so I jumped up and wrapped my arms around his now standing form in a tight embrace, hoping that would do it.

He resists for a while, saying over and over that it was his fault. Soon his arms goes around my waist reluctantly and holds me tightly. His breathing is on the verge of hyperventilating. He falls slowly to the ground, me going down with him to keep him in my arms.

When his breathing wasn't getting any better, I pull back a little enough for him to see me moving both my hands up to hold his face.

"It was not your fault." I say firmly, emphasizing each word as they drew out of my mouth. He had to believe in my words. He needed to believe that he couldn't have controlled what had happened that night. No control of the adrenaline that he so desperately needed. Lord knows I was the same. Still am.

His walls were down. I could see everything from his guilt to his hurting. I tried to refrain from flinching and falling back. The force of his emotions was like being hit by a train. My heart sank to my stomach, realizing that I'm the first he's told all of this.

"It wasn't your fault." I say again, trying to keep my voice from not breaking only for it to betray me. "You didn't make Kyle go after you. You didn't make him get into that car. He made the decision to go after you." Tears streamed down his face, landing on my hands that were still cradling his face. "He wouldn't want you to keep that guilt with you."

He moves forward, resting his forehead against mine like I'm the one that gives him the strength he needs. My guilt is the universes way of saying 'Fuck You' to my face. Realizing my guilt is another way of realizing that I might have made a colossal mistake. Because without a doubt, I'm falling for this kid, hard. And when and if he finds out that the only reason I gave him the light of day was for a stupid bet, I'm the one that's going to have the broken heart. And I'm the one that's going to have to pick up the pieces all by myself.

That's nothing compared to what that would do to him. He'd given me his full trust, and I'm breaking it every moment we spend together. My mind goes back to our first date, when we were playing 21 questions. I had asked what his biggest fear was, I thought he would answer with a typical answer. Like he was afraid of spiders or clowns. He'd caught me completely off guard with his answer. Losing loyalty and trust.