Where Niall is friend with Gemma ever since his first day in kindergarten.
She was the one Niall came to when he found out that he is more attracted to guys and didn't dare to tell his parents. He is the only one who knows that she's secretly dating...
It's almost eight weeks since Louis has left their share flat. Harry, Tom and Adrian have reached out to all their friends and mates to find out about his whereabouts . Nothing ! Louis has disappeared without trace. Out of sheer desperation they gave Johanna a ring again. This time they were more lucky. She informed them that Louis had called. Apparantly he went abroad to continue his studies. Yet she declined to go into detail. Only told them that Louis wouldn't want anybody to know about his whereabouts and his new phone number. She felt sorry for the lads, it was not her intention to affront them. But she promised not to let out anything. She was truely desperate that Louis couldn't even find himself revealing the true reason for his flight and started sobbing while they were talking. The only informations she got was that Louis was having very personal reasons to leave Ireland. Things he couldn't speak about yet. Maybe someday in the future. Harry didn't tell her then, didn't drop the bomb. Even if he and Louis weren't at good terms at the moment it felt like a betrayal of trust to disclose Louis' secret.
Harry sits at the desk in his room and tries to concentrate on his studies. The new semester has quite recently started. He already knows it'll be one hell of a semester. An endless amount of papers, class work, presentations are to be done. Not to forget his bachelor thesis. But it's hard for Harry to focuse on his studies when his thoughts are occupied with a blonde blue eyed guy that still has to stay in a hospital roughly five hours away. How can someone expect him to concentrate when his heart is aching, when fear is constricting his ribcage. However Niall' superficial injuries have all healed properly even that complicated leg damage. But the invisable bruises inside they are still there, unchanged. It's safe to say they are getting worse with each day coming.
Dr O'Neil had no choice when he ordered that Niall needed to stay in a closed psychiatric section after all. There was no way around it. No doubt that his state of mind was too unstable. His psychologist worried he might commit suicide a second time regarding Niall's increasingly suicidal tendencies. How can Harry be calm when he's is aware of the dead end Niall is stuck.
That dreadful ordeal the last time he visited Niall is deeply burnt into his mind. Niall was a bundle of nerves that day, curled up in his hospital bed tortured by his thoughts.
During the last weeks nightmares had been haunting Niall more and more. Yet he wasn't able to describe a certain dream. All he could always remember was an endless darkness that frightened the death out of him. Something dark that claw-like tried to grab him, tried to devour him. Each day Niall struggled more to get rid of the aftermath of these scaring dreams. So when Harry came to visit Niall he was on the edge. " I can't do that any longer , these dreams, they are horrible. I can't find the rest I need during the night and by day I feel like I'm loosing myself. There's nothing left from the old Niall, Harry" , Niall whisperd with choking voice. " Everything seems so surreal to me. Voices are muffled, pictures are blurry, colours are only dark. When I - when I walk Harry, I barely feel the ground beneath my feet. I'm losing control of my thoughts, and I.... I'm scared I'm losing control over my acting as well. No feelings are left inside. Angst is eating me alive .The ground in front of me is open wide ready to bury me forever. I'm a lost boy and nobody can ever save me. I'm an emotional fuck up, a burden, a shame and I don't want my family worry about me any longer." Niall was still lying in his bed facing the wall. Heavy sobs let his upper body shake. "Harry, I'm so afraid of myself, there is something inside taking control over me. Something I'm not able to fight against," his breathing quickened and got more shallow. Harry stroked his back softly in a calming manner while he spoke slowly to him "I'm here with you, I'm staying. I promise ! Listen, I care for you. A lot ! It's enough for both of us . Don't give up. Everything will be alright. Believe me" "I fear what's inside me Harry, don't leave me the dark inside. You are the only one left apart from my family and you are....," Niall remarked hoarsely, his voice overstrained from all the sobbing and crying. "Is it too much to ask that I want a life without fear, that I want to feel more than just angst. I - I just want a normal life again...There is so much more I wasn't ever able to experience. But I won't ever get the chance. Nothing ever will change, Harry. I'm trapped in the cage of fear and darkness. Too afraid to live. Is there finally only one solution that let me escape from all the torture. I hate these racing thoughts. I hate that I can't escape from them. There is no safe room where I can hide. They are coming after me when I'm alone. The very thought of them frightens me. Don't leave me ! You won't, do you ? Sometimes ......"
Niall's breathing became less regular, more laborious. Little drops of sweat were visible above his eye brows . He stared at Harry his ocean blue eyes wide open, his facial expression is panick-stricken. A look of sheer horror spread across his face then. His breathing rate was accelerating but no oxygen seemed to reach his lungs. Harry had to witness rather helplessly how Niall was heaving and crying in fear of death.
Harry immediately pressed the button for the alarm bell he didn't want to let precious time pass. He quickly moved behind Niall in order to support an upright sitting position. Harry embraced him from behind so that Niall's back is pressed against his front while his both hand were rested on Niall's thighs. He slowly pet Niall's right thigh with his thumb hoping these small movements would ease the tension. "Breath for me, can you do that for me you. I help you with it. Just try to concentrate on me. In - and out. In- and out. There's no need to force the breathing, love. Just in - and out, in and out. You're doing great. Keep going." Harry tried to stay calm, he couldn't have Niall notice his own panic while he was praying for the nurse in charge to enter the room. He knew he pressed the alarm button only two minutes ago but it felt like ages.
When the nurse finally arrived she supplied Niall with an oxygen mask and an anxiolytic drug and a tranquiliser due to the treatment plan. She also called for the doctor.
After a short examination Dr O'Neil decided that Niall needed to stay in a closed psychiatric section.
Whenever Harry memorises this afternoon his stomach clenches and fear is burning in his guts like acid. Niall has been in this special sector since almost one week. Due to all kind of calming and anxiolytic medication he's mentally stable but completely sedated. All their hopes rest on an early beginning of that special psychotherapy treatment. But neither the physicians at Dublin university hospital nor Liam at St.Andrews university hospital have succeded in finding a place for this special treatment programme yet.
It's frustrating, it's exasperating and completely nerve-wracking. Harry doesn't know how much longer he can take this, can bear the thought of Niall lying sedated in his hospital bed since the psychologist has noticed Niall's suicidal tendencies.
While Harry is lost in thought his phone begins to ring. Without looking on his screen he takes the call.
" You are serious ? How ...my God ... When ..We owe you so much. Thank you, thank you, thank you ." His eyes begin to fill with tears. However they are tears of relief this time.
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For all my American readers and friends. I'm so glad and excited to go to your wonderful home country in three days.
Author's note
I don't know how you've been feeling reading this chapter. Describing Niall's state of mind, his torturing thoughts has effected me a lot. Without a special treatment Niall's inner demons got beyond control and the major panic attack was only an obvious proof. It's getting better from now on. Promised !
