Discoveries ✔ (Divergent Fourtris Fanfiction)

Chapter 32

Tris

I'm sitting on my bed, looking through a book full of Dauntless recipes. Although I've been helping a lot in the kitchen since I was a girl, I'm not used to cook anything apart from the plain dishes served in Abnegation.

I'm so deep into thought that I don't even hear Tobias come in. Suddenly he's standing beside my bed.

"Hey, I'm glad you're here," I say and smile up at him.

"Me too. How was your day?"

"Okay, but my shoulders hurt from the training session we had with Eric, and there is something I have to tell you about today."

"How about I massage your shoulders while we talk? I want to tell you about my day, too."

"That would be perfect."

He climbs into my bed and sits down behind me after kissing me first. I sigh as he begins to knead my pained muscles.

"So could you convince Johanna to give us peace serum?" I ask.

"Yes, it was difficult and I had to pass her more information than I liked, but there was no other way. I'll meet her again tomorrow morning at the fence."

"Oh, but it's good you achieved that for us. I've been to Christina's apartment after my simulation, and she said she and Will are planning an Allegiant meeting tomorrow morning. We agreed upon half past seven. Then you can tell everybody else."

"Half past seven? I know it's necessary to meet again soon, but that's quite early."

For a moment we sit in silence.

"Tobias, I have to tell you about my simulation today."

He stops massaging me for a second before he continues, offering me silence, so I can talk to him.

"I had one again about intimacy." My voice is low, as I know he's not gonna like this, of course not. And I feel so guilty once again.

"Tell me what it was about."

I'm surprised by how tender his voice sounds.

"I talked about it afterwards with Christina, and she helped me figure out the motives behind it. You, no, the projection of you, was a lot pushier than in reality, and again that's how I figured out it wasn't real. There were two fears in it this time. The first one was how I'm still nervous to let you touch me because I'm afraid of losing control. It connects with my other fears, you know?"

"Tris, you wouldn't use control immediately. You could still always say stop, and I would listen."

"I know you'd stop, it's just that... I wouldn't want to disappoint you if I didn't... I don't think I'm ready to share what you shared last Friday, to let you watch me when I... — not yet," I stammer.

"That's perfectly fine. I swear I won't be disappointed. - Although I have to admit that the idea of you losing control under my touch is turning me on."

He whispers the last thought into my ear and I hear that he's smiling. Probably it's good that we can't see each other's faces. It's a lot easier to talk about sex like this. I clear my throat.

"It wasn't the only fear in my simulation today. The other part was about touching you... I mean, pleasuring you, with my hand." Now the words are out and I'm waiting for Tobias to say anything.

"Why?"

I don't know what I was expecting, but somehow it wasn't this simple question.

"I thought about that a lot, and it's not that I don't want to do that. I let it seem like that in the sim because Lauren was watching, but in reality I'm curious. I think what it was about is that I'm afraid of doing it wrong."