Kitten

30

           

The dark streets felt lonely and captivating, like I was going to fell into a pit of darkness not be able to find my way out. My plan wasn't very well thought out since the cold air nipped at my arms and cheeks harshly, clutching my arms closer to me I made my way further down the road. I desperately wanted to turn back around and escape into Zayn's arms under a warm shower but I knew that's only what I wanted and not him in return.

Maybe I was stupid in my decision, that damn sentence looped on and on in my head and it won't stop. It being a constant reminder of how I'm not wanted, how no one ever wants me. All the countless owners I've went through only for them to give me back in a short few days. That right there just proves what I am to people, just someone to use for their own pleasure. I didn't realize I was crying until my own sob scared me, making me jump at the sound. Stopping, I rubbed my eyes with the backs of my hands until I saw stars, I felt my knees buckle and giving up on making me fall hard onto concrete. Giving up on crying I just sat up against the brick wall behind me and watched the sun rise quietly, people started leaving their homes going off to work and giving my concerned glances. Some even through coins at my feet.

I don't know how long I sat there but the world was flourishing around me with people. I hugged my knees to my chest and just sat there, my mind was blank not wanting to give into thinking anymore that I wanted to.

My ears were well hidden under my matted hair to not gain anyone noticing me, I seemed to hid all I was ever since I found out that there were surgeries to get rid of them.

My head popped up at an idea that flashed through my mind, it was a stupid idea but it was an idea to help me maybe move on from this life. I pushed up from the wall and started walking the direction I was forced to memorize. Mart would drop me off in the middle of the city and I would have to find my way home, if I came back quickly then I would be rewarded with food.

My feet carried me in that direction as people still continued to stare. When I made it into the neighborhood my whole body felt stiff. This was such a stupid idea but a part of me wanted to do it. As I stepped onto the porch fist hovered over the door wanting to knock, my mind was trying to decide if I was crazy or not. But my fist landed on the door a few times then falling limp to my side, the door opened to Mart standing high and proud. He gave me a confused look but was interested.

"What do you want?" My hands shook as a stutter left my lips.

"Are you still looking for someone to do that hybrid surgery?" I looked at him slightly sacred but all he could was look down at me with a smirk and motioned me inside. I walked in slowly holding my arms close to me.

~*~

It's been only a few hours since I've been to Mary's house and I still haven't seen him anywhere. I've been through the back roads, some of the nature parks and now I'm hoping searching the city will give me something. I couldn't think of anywhere else he would go, my parents haven't seen him and I doubt he knows where his mother's is since I don't.  As I walked down the streets I watched people being happy or trying to get to work on time, but there were many couples roaming up and down the streets making my heart ache. Shaking my head I cursed at myself wanting to take it all back and to have him in my arms, knowing he was safe. But why would he want that when I told him that I didn't love him? I understand why he wouldn't want to see me again but I just needed to see him one more time. Just once before I lost what was important to me walk out of my life.

With aching feet I pulled myself into a small coffee shop, it was small and cozy and I could picture Niall and I sitting in one of the corner booths talking for hours. After grabbing my drink I sat myself into one of those small booths feeling like I was losing my world, glancing around the city I felt like everyone out there looked like him. This feeling that entered my body was nothing to similar of a feeling, this is how it felt the first time I watched him leave my life, expect this time I was the one who pushed him out.

I sat there most of the day, basically just watching people walk past the shop or watch the people around me. My drink was long gone and the only thing I had to occupy myself was just sitting there, sit there and think about everything. By the time it was for people to start getting off work I pulled myself out of the small shop and shuffle back to my car that sat a few blocks away. I felt like giving up, to just crawl in bed and never leave, he knew where to go if he wanted to come back. I know I shouldn't be giving up on him but this feeling in my chest is so much that my brain refuses to work. It refuses to give me ideas or thoughts on where he might be, refusing to give me any energy at all.

Back at the house everything felt quiet and empty, I was used to hearing his laugh escape through the long halls. To see him sitting in the kitchen with Mary sipping away on his favorite tea in the same mug. Or see him cuddled up in my bed looking happy and calm, relaxed and contained.

Did I just fuck up the best life I could have had just because of my temper? Just because he did a simple tease or asked a simple fucking question that I was so god damn stubborn to answer. All these little things that I could have done differently. If I had, he would still be here.

Falling to my knees I let my sobs lace through the empty house, letting the walls soak in my screams and sobs. I let the easy wooden stands holding innocent flowers taste my anger then to be swallowed by the floor.

Maybe I couldn't do relationships? Or maybe the people I find couldn't handle me? Either way love fucking hurts, having a broken heart at the end of it is not worth anything. It's not worth feeling your soul being ripped from your body and seeing it struggle on the floor in front of you.

This is the last time I let someone that close into my life. I need to save myself not anyone else.

~*~