Interrupted Heart

11 | IN MY FEELINGS

The familiar beeping of a machine echoed around the room as I stared at nothing in particular. The pain was still persistent but the tears had stopped. There was no point in crying. It wasn't going to change anything. Shae sat, bouncing his leg, next to me. I couldn't speak to him as I didn't know what to say. I guess he had the same thoughts as me although his reasons were much different to mine.

Losing one baby was difficult. Losing two felt like fiction. I had never experienced this emotion before and nothing about this I would ever wish on my worst enemy.

After Shae had surprised me by rushing me to the hospital, I had to undergo an emergency D&C procedure since the tablet that they gave me, which was supposed to make the miscarriage quicker, caused me to bleed heavily. The sympathetic looks on the medical staff's faces made me feel like a failure as a mother. I wondered if my own mother had this feeling in the last few years.

Being in this hospital for the past few days with Shae never leaving my side felt like a fantasy. His attempt at being nurturing was predominant. It was as if it had taken this tragedy for the good side of Shae to make an appearance. He had to inflict pain in order for the angel to appear on his shoulder.

Dr. Sade, who had conducted the surgery last night, entered the room. She rubbed some sanitizer on her hands and offered me a small smile.

"How are you feeling?" I shrugged in response. She picked up the folder with my notes in it and then jotted down something.

"The surgery was successful we just need to ensure that you're okay for when you want to conceive in the future." She explained.

"What if I don't want another one?"

"Nyla -."

"I wasn't asking you." I looked back to the doctor. "What if I don't want another one?" Dr. Sade looked between the both of us and I could tell that she wanted to dig deeper into our personal issue. Thankfully, she resisted.

"Honestly, I wouldn't feel comfortable putting you forward for any procedure that involved you reproducing again. I can put you on birth control and if you still feel the same in a few months, then we'll discuss the other option, okay?" I nodded, although I didn't want to agree. I wanted to scream and demand that she needed to do everything possible so that there was no chance of it ever happening again. I was too exhausted to fight or refuse her advice.

"There was another thing Nyla. It's rather personal if you wanted to be told alone." She looked again between Shae and I but I gestured for her to continue. I had nothing to hide when it came to my body so there was no need for secrets.

"For you to have had a miscarriage that far into your pregnancy isn't common and I ran some tests to pinpoint the problem. As you know, your blood pressure is higher than it should be but that wasn't the reason." Placing the folder down, she took one more step closer to me.

"The reason why you miscarried was because you have chlamydia." My heart stopped.

Here I am blaming myself for the death of my second child and I find out the fault didn't lie with me at all. I looked over towards the culprit. He was trying his best not to make eye contact with me.

"You gave me chlamydia?" I pushed myself up more on the bed, preparing my attack.

"You knew you had chlamydia and didn't tell me about it?" I reiterated. "You killed my baby!" I sprang up from not caring that the needles still in my arm were planting themselves further.