transgender → klance

fifty-five

It's sad to see how everyone is happy. I'm not happy. I'm happy with my family and friends. I'm happy with my job. I'm happy to have a nephew on-the-way. I'm happy with Lance. I'm happy to have everyone in my life. I'm not happy that I am not a guy.
  Everyone barely could tell that I am actually hurting on the inside. I even hid it from Lance. I cried my eyes out at 2 AM in the bathroom alone because the thought of my breasts. Some days I won't even eat a bit because I don't deserve it. I wear hoodies with long sleeves to hid all of the scars. Sometimes, I usually had to cut different areas of my body because my arms already have cuts. I cut my hips, back of my legs, and back. I can't control myself. I am a male! I am a guy! I am a boy! I am Keith! I still have breasts! I still have curves! I hate myself! I hate how I look! I hate how I have a weird nose! I hate how I have weird eyebrows! I hate how I look like Keller! I hate myself! I can't see myself happy ever with my appearance. I already have a binder, but I want more! Lance is focus on his job and our future. I really want kids, but I also want to go on testosterones. I am 20 years old and I waste 17 years of my life questioning myself.
  I just want to be a guy. The name "Kate" been beating in my head for months! It been screaming at me. Therapy and all of these anti-depression aren't much help. Therapy making me equal, but the fucking voice in my head gets stronger and stronger. I'm scared. I'm too weak to handle this bullshit!

I just... want mom back. She been there by my side for years. I can't replace her. I just want her here with me helping me with this shit. I can't do this alone. I want to do this with my mother. I do love Lance, but I missed an once-in-a-lifetime with my mother. I wanted her to see my engagement ring from Lance. I want to see her reaction about finding out about my engagement. I wanted to see her cry at my wedding. I wanted to see Mum helping me with this family crap. I wanted to see Mum help out with Amulet's pregnancy. I wanted to see Mum's reaction of her finding out about Lance and I's kid. I want to see Mum playing with her grandkids. I want to see Mum happy.

  But I lost that chance years ago. Could I just be normal? I already have so much shit going on with my family, friends, my job, and  myself.

  Ahhh! I'm getting too emotional. I-I am ready for children and being a parent. Well, I haven't researched much about being a parent and raising children. My biggest fear of being a parent is if I am going to the worse father. I never really had a father-figure growing up, but I will be my children's best father ever. I don't want to be like my father. I will be the best because I want to see my children happy. I grew up so jealous by other kids who have father figures. I always wanted two parents, but I had a lovely, strong, independent, and amazing woman. My children will be happier than me when I was younger, no matter what. I will do my best to make my family happy. Lance and I will make our family happy. Lance and I will work and help together with our family. I will be the best father ever! My children will be better than me. Lance and I will make my children the smartest and most amazing people on the planet Earth!

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I AM HYPER WITH BOBA SO I AM GOING TO WRITE FIVE (or more) MORE CHAPTERS HAAHHAHAHAHAH

Fun Fact: Finn is based off of my internet friend who is like a brother to me. He even has my internet friend's real last name!