All's Fair In Love & War

Chapter 15

"I know how much you hate voicemails but I figured this time might be an exception." She chuckled.

"Babe you probably hate me, shit I even hate myself. I've missed two of the most important dates not only in your life, but in mine. So let me start by saying Happy Anniversary Autumn Christina Knight. It's been three years babe... that's crazy huh? But to say that I didn't think we'd make it this far would be a lie. It was the moment I saw you I knew I wanted you to be mine but from the first time I made you smile, I knew I wanted you to be mine forever. Nothing in this world compares to the feeling I get when I see you happy. I close my eyes and I see you. Every time someone calls my name it sounds like you. I feel like I'm losing my mind." She started to cry making me cry ever harder. "Look at what this shit's doing to me. I'm turning into a crybaby like you." we both laughed almost as if we were on the phone together. She sniffed her nose composing herself then continued.

"I want you to know that these three years with you, through ups and downs, lefts and rights, sex and fights have been the best three years of my life. Thank you for being the only person I could open up with, thank you for making me a better person, for making me open to love again. Thank you for being your beautiful self and holding me down. Thank you for making me confident and secure. The thought of kissing you again, holding you again.... tasting you again puts a smile on my face, the only happiness I have out here is you. I was so sure this was what I wanted to do, and before I was with you it was. I loved this more than anything, but now I've realized that you're what I love more than anything and the fact that this has come between us has made me hate it. I'm sorry for making you feel alone. I'm sorry for making you feel abandoned, again. I'm sorry I couldn't give you everything that you gave me. But we made each other a promise that no matter what we'll always love each other. I know it's hard on you babe and I'm trying my hardest to make it back to you. It's the only thing keeping me sane. Just please remember our promise. Well, I have to go now. I'll call you again when I can... Happy Birthday Autumn."

I replayed the message 14 times before hanging up. 14 times. I had run out of tears by the time I reached the 10th play at that point I was just sobbing. I was sitting on my bed, phone in my hand, staring at my reflection in my mirror closet doors. I hated what I saw. I hated myself. I felt filthy, I felt worthless, I felt weak. Then it came to me I finally knew what my dream meant.

To dream that you are stuck represents a feeling of helplessness and not being able to escape from life's problems or stresses. You have lost confidence in yourself and in your ability to move ahead in your life. Your lack of clear goals and low self-esteem may be a common cause for such dreams: It described exactly what I felt in this moment. Helpless and pathetic with not a clue in the world what I was going to do about the current situation I was in.

To dream that you are shot or being shot at represents a form of self-punishment that you may be subconsciously imposing on yourself. You may have done something that you are ashamed of or are not proud of: I hated myself for falling for Avery. I abhored myself for having sex with him. I hate myself for making him love me when I know that my heart would never fully be with him. But I hate myself knowing that now my heart would never fully be with Cal either. I'm ashamed because I was weak. I'm ashamed because I AM weak. To know that whatever decision I do make will still hurt someone I love was going to be the worst punishment I could ever impose on myself. I didn't deserve either one of them or their love.

On a negative note, to dream that you die may represent involvement in deeply painful relationships or unhealthy, destructive behaviors. You may feeling depressed or feel strangled by a situation or person in your waking life. Perhaps your mind is preoccupied with someone who is terminally ill or dying. Alternatively, you may be trying to get out of some obligation, responsibility or other situation. You are desperately trying to escape from the demands of your daily life: I was desperate for my escape.... And I found it in Avery. When I was with him I didn't think about anything else. I felt free, I felt happy, and I felt loved. He was the only person or thing that didn't remind me that Cal wasn't here. He was my breath of fresh air.