Take me out of this place you call hell. [COMPLETED]

Chapter 17: He's back..

Chapter 17: He's back..

Thank you to @ItsABlackUnicorn for the ideaCx and thank you to @SaritaLeinbach for helping me get my thoughts in order to write this chapterCx

The images had further implanted themselves in my mind, not letting me rid myself of them. They would haunt my thoughts when I wasn't distracted, when I was trying to sleep. It had been a week since Andy and I's date and things have been going quite well, other than the day-mares and nightmares. We do share a bunk now since he needed to take a break from his own bus, and plus, Lethal finally had her own bunk along with Tony getting his own bunk back. Yes there is 12 bunks, but we use the rest of the free ones to hold our luggage and other things. 

I am not going to deny it, we are all much too lazy to have to get of the bus to get out stuff out from under it every day when getting ready. Some people who have lots of people in their band don't exactly have that option, but since we do, we take it.

I play Xbox almost every day with Storm and Sarita, and I've been texting Hunter, hoping we could hang out some time soon. I also found out not to long ago that she is dating CC! I mean, wow! So, she could come visit me if she really wanted to, even though she'd really be visiting CC and then seeing me on the side, but I don't mind, I just haven't seen her since the orphanage.

I have been texting and phoning Kalel a lot lately too, just venting to her about the whole Jayy situation. I don't really want to do that to Andy, talk about an ex when we've been going on dates a lot lately, and then Ollie and Sarita are just so happy right now, Same thing with Ashley and Storm. Hunter doesn't know about Jayy and even if she did, she's happy with CC and I don't want to be the dark cloud on everybody's sunny day..

I'm just really glad that Kalel has Christopher to lean on, he is so sweet to her and just by the things that she tells me about him, I can tell that she loves him. 

I don't understand why I feel so empty though. I mean, I'm happy aren't I? I feel happy around everybody else but the second I'm alone, all the thoughts come rushing back to me and I'm back to feeling depressed and sad. I don't want to die as much as I did before but the feelings are just still bad.

Andy has started to notice that my eating habits are getting bad again so every time we go somewhere to eat, he orders for me to ensure that I actually eat something. I don't throw anything up anymore it's just that, I don't feel hungry at all anymore. Andy knows something is wrong but he won't push it and try to ask me like he usually would. I am thankful for that but at the same time, I wish I could just be honest about it. And I would tell him, no doubt about it, it's just that things ended so badly with Jayy and me that I feel like, I need some sort of closure.

And knowing Andy he would never let Jayy get anywhere near me again, which prevents me from ever getting closure. I just, I don't know what to do. I have talked to Kalel about it a lot but I'm not really sure she understands exactly what I'm feeling right now. I just.. I feel so alone and I don't know what to do anymore. I don't like hospitals, or councilors or psychiatrists. I don't trust people easily as you can tell and more scars have started appearing on my stomach. Nobody else really knows and Tony and Jaime seem to think I'm doing okay.

Mike seems to be busy alot latley, probably trying to keep himself occupied for some unknown reason. So I don't really ever see him anymore unless we happen to pass by each other in the morning or at night while on the bus. To be honest, I think he got a girlfriend and that's why he's been gone so much lately.

The tour is still going well for the boys, the fans are all great to them and I just never go out to meet any of them. I still don't have a twitter or Instagram or anything because I'm too afraid to read what BVB's and PTV's fans are saying about me. Lethal goes out there and talks with the fans, just like Sarita does with Ollie and Storm does with Ashley. But I just can't go out there in fear of being judged by all of them. I know what they would say too. I've had a lot of free time lately and I've thought about it a lot too, the things they would say or even do if I ever met them. Thank god that the tour is almost over though.