I'm Not Okay (I Promise)

You Only Hear The Music When Your Heart Begins To Break

Gerard's POV:

After leaving the snack bar, Mikey and I walked home, in silence and in the dark.

When we got there, I went immediately to my room and locked myself there. Only when I was under the covers, I allowed myself to cry.

Dawned. I was lying on my bed. Couldn't sleep. I felt empty; like something had been taken away from me.

The memories from the night before passed through my head. Singing in public. People enjoying. The Jocks. Taking everything from us. The fight.

It looked so surreal. Like a dream that, suddenly, became a nightmare.

I covered my eyes with my hands. One night in peace. It was all I wanted. If they had let us play and then hit the shit out of us, I wouldn't mind. I just wanted to finish the show.

For a moment, I actually had hope. I had hope that things could change, could be different. But in the end, everything was the same.

I heard someone knock on the door.

"Gee?" it was Mikey. I didn't answer.

He stayed there for a few seconds, then sighed and continued. "I told mom and dad about the fight. I wanted to do it with you, but they asked about the bruises and... I couldn't avoid the question." I felt my stomach turn. "They want to talk to you. They're worried."

I felt so guilty. I wanted us to talk to talk to them together. I can't imagine how must have been for Mikey to tell them all on his own.

But, again, I didn't answer.

I heard Mikey sigh again.

"If you want to be alone right now, okay, fine. But, please, talk to us at some point. We just wanna help."

I heard footsteps, meaning he left the door. I sighed. I wanted to go out and talk to them. But I couldn't face them.

What was my problem? Do I really deserve to be treated like this? Should I just accept it?

No. No, I shouldn't. My friends shouldn't. No one should. This wasn't right. I wanted to scream. Scream how wrong and unfair everything was. I wanted to sing as loud as I could.

I got my notebook and went to the garage, hoping no one would see me. There, I got the guitar and started writing and playing some notes.

I knew how to play the guitar, I just didn't like it that much. I wasn't that good anyway, but it was enough.

Suddenly, I was playing a new song.

Sing it for the boys
Sing it for the girls
Every time that you lose it sing it for the world

Sing it from the heart
Sing it 'til you're nuts
Sing it out for the ones that'll hate your guts

Sing it for the deaf
Sing it for the blind
Sing about everyone that you left behind

Sing it for the world
Sing it for the world

When I finished singing, I heard someone clapping. I turned around to see my mom, walking towards me.

"That was beautiful." She sat next to me, on the floor.

"I just made it."

We remained in silence, until she sighed.

"You could have told me, you know. About everything."

I sighed, too.

"I didn't know how." My voice broke as the tears wanted to come out. But I didn't let them. "And I didn't want you to worry."

She held my hand.

"Gerard, I'm your mother. It's my duty to worry about you." I could see she also wanted to cry. "So, please, don't hide anything ever again, okay? I'm here to help you."

I gave her a sad smile.

"Thanks, mom." She pulled me in a hug. My head was under her chin, she was holding me like she wanted to protect me.

"I love you." She said.

"I love you, too."