I get jealous. A lot. I get jealous so much that if it were to be in a physical reaction, I might just turn into the Hulk or something. Like if I see the person I like or if I'm dating them, with someone I know is not good for them or that I know has been trying to get with them for some time now, I feel this burning fire in the pit of my stomach. And it burns so much that I have to release it somehow. It's like if your friend is with somebody that you don't approve of or that you know is not good for them. It gets so bad to where I have to walk away and be by myself for a minute, before I do something stupid, or act out in a manner that I'm not supposed to. Most times,I try not to show my jealousy. But it just comes out. I can't help it. I can't help if I get over protective or too possessive over certain things and that happens to be a certain thing. Yes I know, I should give her space and room for her to have her own friends and things but it's just hard to, you know? When you've been hurt and taken advantage of and manipulated so many times, it's hard to do things and trust people. I've had so many people in my life that I thought cared about me, mess me up so much in the head that most days, I get so paranoid about what other people think or see me as that I try to be less of myself. Less talkative, more quiet and mysterious. So yeah, it's like I kinda got to have my boundaries up. To protect myself from others that are capable of doing harm. Because if I don't then there goes an opening for someone to take something I only ever truly cherished. Something that had a lot of meaning to me. A love that I was able to find. The love that is so hard to get. Where you have so much in common but still are so much of total opposites. Where you can find a connection in someone that most likely would have never given you a second glance. So of course I would be scared because there are all these other people that they can get with that could probably do a lot better than me and maybe treat her better than I ever will. Hell, I definitely know there are a lot more good-looking people out there that she may want. Or even need. And there are most likely people out there that want her just as much as I do. Probably people that have known her longer than I have that's maybe head over heels for her and I was just picked for the meantime.Or it was kinda like a in the moment kind of thing. But if there is something that I have that those other guys didn't then I'm happy. But still I will always get thoughts in my head that tells me to leash out on a person that interacts with her in a way that I know is not in a friendly manner. Because I'm the only one that gets to do that. I'm the one that she chose and I'm the one that she likes in that way, hopefully. But maybe I'm not. Maybe one day someone will come along and take her from me because I didn't do something right or because I was too clingy, or always mad or upset. I'm too self conscious. I never really think about myself or something in particular that causes her not to want me anymore. Or maybe it's just from the fact that I just wasn't good enough for her. But I hope that we can make it last. I'm not saying that I'm gonna be less jealous, I'm just saying that maybe I just need to let myself be more open-minded about some of the things that may go on in my life. That I need to have a clear head and not keep thinking that everybody wants to steal my girl or something like that. I mean I wouldn't want for anybody to just take me away from her because then that wouldn't be fair so therefore I don't want anyone to take her away from me. I love her. I really truly do. But it's just that there are times where my anxiety comes up and I start to question myself. Am I even good enough for her? Does she truly like me in that way? Was this all just to past the time by? And to be honest this is just me talking. I know for a fact that if any of this were to be true, she would tell me straight up. Instead of hiding it away and leading me on like few others did in the past that I still wonder and think about to this day. Yeah I know I really shouldn't because what's in the past is in the past but I can't help but wonder. Would things be different if they turned out in the opposite way? Would I still be single if I never changed schools or never had the same class as her? Would we still end up together? Even if it was in different circumstances? These are the things I question myself every single day.
