I’ve felt guilt before. I’m pretty sure everybody has experienced it before. It’s such a disturbing feeling to have. Not everyone has to feel guilty about the stuff they do or did. There have been times for me where I haven’t felt guilty for something I did. There was one time where I slapped a kid so hard in the face because he kept talking about me. I slapped him so hard you could hear it in the noisy gym we were in. Everybody was looking and everything and I just acted like I didn’t do anything to him. Because technically I was defending myself. I was starting to get fed up with it so I just slapped him. He had it coming shouldn’t have been talking about me. Then there was the time that I had acted like I was crazy in class and everyone started freaking out. I feel guilty about that because I ended up going to the office but they never told my mom so I was good until they had a conference about me and my grades was when she found out. I still feel kind of guilty because I stopped the class from getting their education. But hey what can you say people do stupid things and for me that was one of them. But hey at least it doesn’t have to happen again, right? Anyways, I’ve felt guilty for a couple things that are happening now. Like my mom and step-dad splitting up. I feel guilty about that because it seems like it’s my fault. I don’t know how it could be but it just does. I feel guilty about the fact that I can’t see my little sister on my dad’s side because I’m always here instead of going to visit here the chances that I actually do have which is summer break when we’re off for two months straight. But it’s just whenever I go there, I really only see my grandparents. Like yeah I know they love me and all and I love them too but I would like to go there and see my father not my grandparents. I never really get to see my dad because he lives and hour away from my grandparents and he works so that doesn’t really work out for me. And plus the fact that everytime I go there, I don’t do anything but sit around watching TV and eating everything in sight. That’s because I’m in a house of old people who can’t do anything and don’t want to do anything. Like when I went to go see them for winter break. I did nothing but sit in that house the only time I left was when I went to go out to eat go see my cousins and spend my birthday at my dad’s friends house. That’s it. I’m pretty sure I had said that I wanted to go to Chicago before I left but where did we go. Nowhere. Yes I’m a little upset still but oh well can’t fix the past. I also feel guilty about my cousin. Her and I used to be like two peas in a pod. But when I started to come up there less, our connection with one another just started to fade away also. And I feel guilty about that. I wish that I could take back all the times I never went to go see them back and actually go up there but I can’t life just doesn’t work like that. I wish it did but it doesn’t. But what I’m mostly guilty about is the fact that I didn’t come up there enough to where my sister doesn’t even know who I am. We literally have the same face, it’s crazy. But she doesn’t know me because I’m not around enough to spend time with her and for her to get to know me on the same level as my other sister does on my mom’s side. It got so bad to where I had started to cry my eyes out thinking that she will never know me the way that I know her. I still remember the night. I had her in my arms and we were upstairs because her mom wanted me to take her so I did and then she just started saying that she didn’t like me and that she didn’t know who I was so I tried my best to keep up a front and act like I was okay knowing that I wasn’t and as soon as she left I busted out crying my eyes out I couldn’t do it anymore. The fact that I had a relative that’s a sibling not know me is really hard for me. I mean yes I understand that she’s young but I still want to be apart of her life just like her other siblings are. I would do anything for her just as I would for my other sister. But I still regret not being there for the birth or her first birthday, her first steps, words,just everything in general. I wish I could’ve been there when I had the chances to do so. But I couldn’t and I feel really guilty for that. Even though I probably didn’t have any type of control over the situation, I still wish things could have been planned differently. Or at least I can go and visit her more often than what I’m doing now.
