To be deprive of feeling or responsiveness. Or to be felt less intensely; deaden. Numb. Blankness. I feel numb inside. Like I’m just completely dead on the inside. It feels as if nothing was there to begin with in the first place. Like nothing. As if I have no self worth whatsoever. I mean like I do have self worth but it’s going down more and more everyday. I still have emotions that I can show. It’s just for the most part I just feel dull. Like I am empty inside. When you’ve been sad for so long that when something bad happens, you don’t cry, you just sit there and feel numb. Let’s just say that I was put into a position where I had to feel a certain way. I’ll feel that way for a good period of time but soon enough it’ll just go away. I could care less about the situation because it’s over and done with. So why should I care if it was never something big to begin with in the first place. I mean I try to be helpful to other people but I just can’t anymore. I try to give my advice but it just seems as though I’m just fucking shit up more than what I need to. I’m starting to barely talk to people nowadays. I’m not even that talkative with my own family. Like I think my mom is starting to notice my distance lately. And she keeps trying to have me do stuff with the family but I just don’t want to. I’d rather sit in my room and be on my phone than anything else. Yes I say that I’m sensitive but I think that’s starting to not be so much anymore. Like I can feel myself not really caring anymore. Like I still care for my friends. I mean I kinda have to. And yes most people will say you don’t have to necessarily have to care about them but I do. I can’t say that I won’t get emotional from time to time about some stuff but like, I’m just won’t get as emotional as I would have done before. But there will still be times where I’ll take people's’ stupid comments and take it in to so much thought that I start to think that it may be true. But that’s what just happens when you’re told the same thing over and over and over again throughout your whole entire life. You start to believe things you try to ignore. And it just all goes to your head. So it gets hard sometimes you know. And even though you can’t control people and what they say, you can control whether or not you allow it to affect you. And it appears as though I have allowed for it to affect me in a manner that I didn’t want for it to. But now? Now I don’t care. I’ve finally learned to, at least, not pay attention to what others say. Or more or less the stuff that doesn’t have much meaning. Like say if someone were to say something that really hit me in a deep part of me. I would listen to it cause they are talking about something that I really care about and it makes me tick and then I start to question it, and then I start to overthink about it and it just leads to bad things that I don’t want to happen. Maybe I should just shut down. And give up. People obviously don’t care so why should I? It wouldn’t make sense. This world is nothing but a cruel piece of shit place that only nothing but sinful people that live on it. Yes I know that I’m sinful too, so that’s more of a reason not to give a single fuck about anything in this world. So that’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to shut down and keep all my feelings to myself. Nobody will know how I feel nor will they ever find out. I’ll just be blan forever. I’ll become a mystery again. Treat everybody the same way they treat me. If people want to see what I was like with the old me, oh just they wait. It’s a lot worse than what I am now. They’ll know why I changed my ways in the first place. I’m going back to the cold-hearted person I was before hand. And the worst thing about feeling cold and numb is that there will come a point in time where I’ll want to feel something and then I won’t know how to do it. It’s as if the body shuts down when it has too much to bear; goes its own way inside quietly, waiting, for a better time leaving you numb and half alive. Waiting for an opportunity to free itself from the enclosed capsule its put itself in. But yet it’s still trying to find an escape from everything else and not have to deal and suffer through the hardships the world is constantly throwing at it now. I’m pretty sure that nobody wants to go through that. Especially with the way things are now in the world. And I’m not saying that I totally don’t give a fuck, just that I’m going to lay low from now on out. No more Mr. Nice Guy.
