I don’t really do good with rejection. Never have. Never will. It just doesn’t sit well with me and I don’t do well with it. It’s like me and rejection are sworn enemies. It just comes up out of nowhere and makes its mark on my life no matter how much or how hard I try to escape it. I’ve been rejected by people because of who I am or what I look like. That’s why I’m such a closed off person. Yeah I may seem like I’m an open book but there’s so much stuff that I hide from people. And when they find out, they find it so hard to believe because I have this smiling face and bright personality. I do that so I can hide away all the pain and misery that I had to suffer as I grew up. Some of the stuff that I saw and heard or even did are no things a child should witness and a youngin. But no one knows no one will ever know. But then there's also a part of me that has these thoughts and ideas that are so inhumane, I sometimes wonder what would happen if I were to commit to them. If I were to fall under the spell and obey every command they give. I have so many complications that go on in my head and my life, I'd be scared to be my own friend. I doubt anyone would want to be friends with a crazed lunatic who has these thoughts about things that a human shouldn't. So that's another reason why I've been rejected by society. I've always been a reject. It's these stupid qualities that I have that everyone despises. I don’t mean to have them, it’s just what I was born with. You can’t help how a person is born nor can you really try to change that. Yes people may say that other people will impact a person’s life, well I think that will only happen if they let it. I haven’t really let things or people affect my life permanently, but they have for a short period of time. And when they did I started to contemplate a lot of things and I ended up in a bad headspace. Some days still, I’ll just zone out from nowhere and start to go back to that headspace. And it usually ends with me crying or being upset for the rest of the day. Like it may seem like I’m looking at you but I’m actually just zoning out. I guess that's just what happens when you're tired of reality and want to escape from it. The world is so bad nowadays, I’m scared to walk out my own house without a drive by happening and me being the victim. And by the number of times that I hear the police coming up and down my street, that moment might be soon. And I just might let it happen. I mean by the time I get older it might happen, why not let it now? It’ll give me a chance to leave this reality that we call life so I can go and live my fantasy. But there would be too much that I would leave behind. Like my family. But at most times, I feel like that they don’t really care. The only people that might care are my mom and dad. That’s obviously because I’m the oldest. The first born and the only child up until 2 years ago. Of course they’ll miss me. Then there’s my friends. But we haven’t known each other for that long. Unlike the kids at my old school. I wonder would they miss me if I left. Maybe not. I was pretty much rejected for half my life by them. I only had two friends there. And that didn’t happen til middle school. Which is really sad. So they could miss me. Then there’s my girlfriend. I know for a fact that she would miss me. When I had left for winter break to go see my dad, she kept thinking that I wasn’t going to come back, which was the cutest thing ever. But when I did, and we saw each other at school, she gave me the biggest hug. I was a little startled because it was out of nowhere, and I almost fell but I kept my balance luckily. So yeah she would miss me for sure. Now that I think about it, I don’t want to leave. I mean yeah I still do but I’m going to let it happen on its own. When the time is right, I’ll leave but I’ll leave with a legacy. With everyone knowing my name. And every single person that left me in the dirt because I was too weird, or too mysterious. I’ll end up leaving them because they never gave me a chance. A chance to express myself more than what I did before. That was all because I was too shy. I didn’t know how to really interact with anybody because no one interacted with me so of course I won’t be able to talk anyone. It’s hard for me to start the conversation off. If you were to have me in front of you, you’ll have to start it off because I’ll just sit there until someone else speaks or you talk first. That’s just how I am. I don’t mean for it to be it’s just that way I guess.
