Insecurity. To not to be confident or assured, to be uncertain or anxious. Well that most definitely describes me. People get insecure about a ton of things like if they might mess up on something important or if they’re smart enough for other people. It’s just based off of who they are as a person. Sometimes people have the same insecurities, sometimes it’s something so out of this world you’ll think it was weird at first until you actually saw it at first hand. Sometimes people don’t really have insecurities. Or they just don’t tell anybody or show it. I’m insecure about a lot of things. Like my height, my weight, my appearance, if I come on to much, if I’m a good kisser or not, if I have the same effect on people as they do on me, If I’m a nuisance if someone will give me the time of day for my foolishness, if I’m good enough, if I’ll ever be good enough for someone. That’s just to name a couple of them. There’s plenty more but I don’t want to continue. I’ll probably end up in my negative headspace and I don’t want for that to happen. But I’m going to explain my insecurities. I’m insecure about my height because I’m so short. Well I’m not so short but I’m definitely shorter than most of my friends, which is kinda upsetting. I don’t know why though. There’s my weight. I don’t really like my body. But luckily I’ve lost weight which is good for me but I’m still not pleased. Next we have my appearance. It’s nothing too much wrong with it, it’s just the fact that every new person I meet they assume I’m a boy. Like I know I dress boyish, but I’m a tomboy. What did you expect? I mean you can try to see that I’m not a boy. Then there’s if I come on too much. I feel like I do but then again that I don’t. And usually people tell me to calm down because I’m so hyper but it’s kinda hard to try and help that. I’m just an energetic person. Next there’s if I’m a good kisser. I know for sure that there’s something wrong with that. Like pecks, I can do that, but like a makeout session? Oh I can’t do that. I feel like I add more tongue than I’m supposed to. Like I know where to place my hands and all that but like the actual mouth part is what I struggle with. Now for if I have the same effect on people as they do on me, what I mean is do I make the same impact as they did to me. Like I don’t want for them to have made such an impact on my life and then I barely even made an imprint on theirs. I worry if I’m a nuisance because I can get a bit irritating at times, that’s why I’m always so quiet and keep to myself most of the time. I don’t want to cause any trouble for anybody. Will somebody ever give the time of day for my foolishness? I act out so much, I’m surprised nothing has happened yet. And lastly sometimes I feel as though I’m not good enough or that I will never be good enough for someone to love me the same way that I love them. Sometimes I just get a little ahead of myself and start to overthink about it. Will I ever get somebody’s attention like they have mine? Will it be weird if I expressed my feelings to them? Will they take it as a joke? WIll they reject me? Can I ever have a chance to not embarrass myself in front of them? Can they take me seriously? Why do I have to like them? Why can’t it be someone that will actually like me back? Why can’t somebody like me? These are the things that run through my head when I like a person and I’m contemplating whether or not I should tell them my true feelings. I don’t mean to overthink like this. I don’t want to think like this. It’s a habit whenever things get bad or I’m about to do something that could change the way I see things or my life even. I wonder if that’s why I’m not able to live my life the way I really want to. I’ll end overthinking, creating altercations and situations that could end up happening and I just give up. That’s why I never really get a chance to go out as much. Or have the fun that I want to do. I never really get a chance to do much because of my insecurities either. I can’t wear most of my clothes, I have to stand on so many things just to reach something, I’ve been more quiet lately now that I really think about it. I’ll come to class but i won’t make too much noise. At least I’m getting my work done though, that’s good right? Maybe it’s for the best I just keep to myself. It’ll be best for everyone else if they don’t hear me I honestly don’t have too many friends, probably like three or four. But that’s it. I knew there was something wrong with me.
