People will always be anxious. Or more or less get anxious over their problems. Some people feel it when they have to meet new people or when they have to stand up in front of other people. For me it’s all the time. Most times it’s not that noticeable but then at other times you’ll think something was really wrong with me. I start to shake my leg up and down, my hands get super sweaty, and I get this bad habit of stuttering and I get a lisp that I haven’t had since I was five, and then I fiddle with my fingers a lot. I get so out of control most of the time I can’t really help it at times. I’ll be fine one minute and then the next I’m getting all nervous about something because I’m overthinking it. But luckily it doesn’t happen at lot just only when I have to present something, or talk to new people or I’m meeting someone that has a higher reputation than me or is of high importance or talk to my crush or well girlfriend now. I still get anxious at times talking to her. I’ll zone out or when we’re in class, I’ll look at her from afar and just admire her. But for the most part I get easily anxious. I can get nervous and then that turns into me being anxious and then it just goes blank. If I tend to get too anxious then that leads to me zoning out and then it just goes blank. I’ll come back to after like 4 or 5 minutes but yeah. It’s only happened like twice. The first was when I had to perform in front of a huge crowd and ended up zoning out in the beginning and then blanked out. And the second time was when I had to give a speech at my 8th grade graduation and blanked out for a good 3 minutes. I don’t know how it happens but it just does. I definitely don’t want for it to happen again. But if it does I just have to be pulled away from whatever I was doing and give me some time and I’ll come to sooner or later. Hopefully it will just be sooner rather than just later. When I get anxious it’s not as noticeable unless you truly are paying attention to me. Like you’re seriously trying to figure out what’s wrong with me. Which most people really don’t do anyways. So I’ll be able to fix my problems on my own since nobody is really going to help me with that anyway. It’ll be just like old times, no one to depend on because everybody wants to be noticed by other people that will never see them the way that they see that person because the cycle just continues until there’s two people that have the same mutual feelings for one another. Wait, I just got sidetracked. Okay, I do want for people to notice me but it’ll be kind of hard since I’m such a closed off person and distant. I don’t really have people that I want to try and help me with my situations because they’re just going to end up talking about their issues. I mean I don’t want it to seem like I don’t care because I do it’s just that I need to express myself sometimes too. If I hold it in then I’ll explode and go off on someone that doesn’t deserve it. The last time that happened, it wasn’t so pretty and it got so bad that I ended up fighting that person and I went home with a couple bruises but they went home with a broken nose so I was pretty good. But that doesn’t mean that it’s okay. And I definitely don’t want to talk to a counselor because all they want do is get your parents involved and I don’t need that. I came to you to talk to you not my mom. If I wanted to talk to my mom then I would have done that. And plus It’s way easier for me to talk to a stranger about my problems because then I never have to see them again and plus they know nothing about me so they can’t really judge me about my problems. I wish that I didn’t have such an issue with expressing myself now because then I could have a decent conversation with someone. But since I am such an anti-social and closed off person I can’t do that. I can only really express myself through writing. Hence why I’m doing this book so that way I don’t go crazy over everything that’s happening in my life now. I just get anxious over what would happen if somebody were to find out about all the different things that I’ve been through and seen then it would be a wrap. I definitely know that for sure. So I just hope that one day I’ll be able to share my feeling more in a verbal way than just writing down all of the problems that I’m going through right now. Because how will I be able to express my feelings and emotions with my person of interest if I can’t even communicate with them?
