Nightmares Within Me

Night 4

I sat and just watched as Ryder went through stages of doing different things. He attempted yet again to escape, he sang again, he stretched out at one point as well, hissing at the pain from the holes in his back and legs. He at one point tried to stand but his legs shook too bad to even get into a kneeling position. I watched and thought that all of this might have been avoided had I not met any of them. Maybe it truly was my fault that this was happening to everyone. That maybe had I left them when I had the chance, or not met them, or something that they would all be better off. They would be safe. I didn't know what I could have done that I hadn't already tried at one point or another but had I known this was going to happen I would have left. There all better without me anyways. I sat for what had to be a day thinking about this and realized that it's true. Most of the bad in their lives is because of me and they'd be better off not meeting me. So into the shadow, I began to speak. Though I knew none of them would hear it, I did anyway.

" I'm sorry guys. I'm sorry I got you all into this," I began and from there on it was sanctioned to individual people, " Lillian, I'm sorry that this was what you lived to. That this was brought to you by me. I would have loved to see you walk down the aisle in a white dress towards the love of your life. I'd love to see you get the job that you love and be happy that you're making a difference. I'd love to have nieces and nephews to spoil and to see you smile and hold your kids close and kiss your husband. I would have given the world to see you happy. I would have torn through hell and the high heavens to make that happen for you. I'm sorry that I wasn't the person you should have had in your life or the best friend that you deserved or the sister you thought I was. I loved you so much and each day was just to make you proud of me and to make you think I was worth something. You were the person I looked up to most and wanted to impress all the time," I said and hung my head as I continued, " Hell even when you and Justin started dating i was still trying to impress you and be just like you because you're what I strived to be in a world that always knocked me on my ass and tried to shove me back to hell. I'm sorry that I can't make all those things happen now, but I will make it up to you when I see you again. I know I'll be there soon. Sorry, you didn't get more of a break from me either." I said, laughing a little at how stupid I sounded, talking to the floor like it was the only thing that was going to listen. Ryder had long since stopped hearing me, wherever allowed him to hear me that one time now gone. Next was for Justyn.

" I can't believe you beat me, man. Honestly, you were who I hoped would make her happy and show her that she would be loved the rest of her life and not worry about anything again. You were who I saw her living the rest of her days happy with and laughing every second of the day with. You, among so many other things, were her future in my eyes and I could wait to see that. You have done so much to help me, to reassure me when things got bad, and to keep my feet on the ground you honestly were one of my saving graces in this world. I'm sorry I wasn't able to save you. I'm sorry I could do anything to help you or make things better or to even tell you before you left that she and I both love you. I'm sorry that I wasn't here to fight or to keep you from this. You know that if given the chance I would go back to before I met any of you if it meant that you all grew up and stayed safe. Id erase the memory of me so fast and you know I would. You always told me no one was going to abandon me, and you were right. No one has, I abandoned everyone else when they needed me most. I made this you're fate instead of seeing my best friend in a wedding dress or being happy with someone. I brought this upon you and for that, I am sorry that I wasn't able to prevent it. I could have been better, and I know that. I could have been a better friend in all the time I knew you. I could have done so many things that would have made you smile and that would have helped you. I could have repaid you for all those times you kept my feet planted firmly on the ground, even if you had to hold them there yourself at times to make sure I didn't leave it. For all those times, and for all the times you ever made Lillian smile, or laugh, and look at life a different way I will always be thankful for knowing you. Id go through hell and half of heaven with you, I know, to make that happen and I'd do it alone to make it for both of you. You're always going to be my friend, and forever my brother and I'm sorry I wasn't better." the tears were now streaming down my face and I could stop them even if I tried. The next apology was going to be the hardest to say without my voice cracking and me wanting to give up and I knew that this was what I wanted him to know, even if he already did. I looked over at him and he was looking at the wall behind me, allowing me to see his eyes, which allowed me to see that they were glassy and zoned into that wall. I sighed and began.

" And Ryder. Where do I even begin with you? You know I love you and that you are my world. The things I wouldn't do to see you happy and with someone who wouldn't bring all this bullshit into your life are minimal. If I could go back and not tell you that I had feelings for you and save you from dealing with these things I like to think I would. I would do anything to see you happy and safe and not in harm's way. Id die to protect you, and I have a feeling that's what's going to end up happening to. We both know I could have been better in every aspect of life and that I wasn't what you desired at all and that you deserve so much more than what I am. I wish I could show you how much you mean to me, how much I love you. I wish there was a way that I knew I could save you. I wish I could do something more for you. You saved me, broke through the fortress I built around my heart and rebuilt it with windows and places to let light in. You showed me what it was like to love and be loved in return and it was amazing. I wish you knew how I felt because it's beyond anything I have felt before. I know I could have been better, that I could have done things differently to make you happy. I would give anything to see the day you smile at the woman you love and know that she is what you want to wake up to for the rest of your life. I'd give anything to find that person and tell them just how lucky they are to have you for the rest of their lives and to just see you smile for no reason or to look at them and feel like they are you're home. That you could be happy with nothing but them. If I could do that I would. In a heartbeat. I'd do anything to see you happy and smiling,"I laughed a little through the tears falling, " I know that nothing lasts forever and I hoped that we would but I see that won't happen now. And even if we weren't here id still hope for that. Id hope that you would stay around, but the amount of bullshit I have brought into your life. All the stupid arguments about me and my health and what would happen had you woken up one day and I wasn't there were all because of me and I'm sorry. I wish I could have gotten more time with you, even if I brought all this into your life. I wish we had gotten longer. I was finally beginning to see a life for myself. But that's beside the point. Just know that even when you left, I'd love you. Even now I love you. And I'll love you till my soul disappears."I finished quickly before I broke down sobbing. I would have loved for all four of us to be friends for the rest of our lives and be able to hang out and do stupid things together. I would have loved to be able to look the Gods themselves in the face and say fuck you with all of them beside me and let them know that though they may have succeeded at breaking me and destroying me, I had the people I wanted in life and nothing would change that. Not even death.

The creature reappeared as I lifted my head up and made Ryder push himself into the wall, almost as if he could sink into it and hide. Now there was terror in his eyes. Genuine terror that I had never seen. After a minute of him just looking at it a sadistic smile crept across his lips and he turned his head, looking directly at me. As soon as it was there it was gone and he was once again looking at this creature and I sat there shaking. I was beginning to see things that I didn't want or need to see and it was going to push me to a point that I didn't know if I could handle. I shook my head and watched as the creature tore into him again, this time not touching him once but showing him scenarios in his head, making them seem so real. When he finished Ryder was coated in a cold sweat and shaking. He looked up at the creature with nothing but cold-blooded anger.

" If you so much as harm a hair on her body. If you even think about bringing her here or doing something to her. I will kill you. I don't care what you do to me, how long you keep me here, or how long you torture me. Don't.Touch. Her. " he ground out. I didn't know what that thing had put in his mind but for him to go from terror to outright rage showed me that the thing brought in someone he cared about.

He didn't let that show end until long after the thing had left. He let down the shield of stone to reveal pain and terror and hurt that was plaguing his every thought and every breath. I tried to talk to him again but nothing happened and as he laid his head back on the wall again he began humming. It was now the only thing reminding him that he was alive and that this was real, no matter how I wished it wasn't. I just listened to him hum. He went through a whole array of songs and things that he could sing and not once was the room silent. Not for a good long while. I drifted into an extremely light sleep like state, still aware of every noise in the room, of every breath Ryder made, and every note he hummed. I knew some of the songs, others I didn't. The ones I knew, I sang to. The ones I didn't I hummed along with him and learned. This was the most peaceful it would probably ever get again.