Nightmares Within Me

Night 2 Part 4

I looked up at Ryder and then to the Lillian, Justyn, and Victoria who had now all joined my side. They all looked so concerned with Eric that I slowly inched back and just sat there staring. I had no idea how this was going to turn out and to be honest, I was terrified that I had thought this through the completely wrong way and this was going to take a turn that i hadn't thought of. All of the past events had nothing in common other than the people that were in them. The situations ranged from one to the other. The only thing that raised alarm was that in almost all of them we were back in this room. There was something about this room that was significant to someone, maybe me. I didn't know. I had to think about it.

"Have any of you guys seen this room before being in here that you can remember?" I asked as I looked at all of them. None of them seemed recognized our whereabouts. I could tell from the looks on their faces.

"Actually, I have. Once," Justyn said as he looked around, " It looked different and had stuff in it, but it looks the same if you take everything out of it," he said. I nodded. There was one connection.

"Ok. Now, has anyone been in a field with a shadowed man along the tree line?" this time it was Eric and Victoria. I couldn't recall if they were both there but I only know that they had seen it thanks to that creature.

"Ok, who remembers a house?" This time, as I knew it would be, Lillian spoke up.

"I remember a house. I remember dying, being shot." My heart skipped a beat as guilt threatened to show on my features but I didn't let it. I would not let them see that all of this was my fault.

That only left Ryder now. He hadn't spoke up, though I had watched him closely everytime i said a scene. His face gave nothing away but his breathing did. He remembered the cell. How much of it he remembered, I wasn't sure but he did remember it.

"Babe? Do you remember anything?" He looked up at me, his eyes were bloodshot. I walked over and took his hand. "You can all go back to what you're doing. Thank you for your help," I said to the group and then walked Ryder to the farthest corner of the cell. Only then did I remember as he looked at the walls, that this was the wall that he had been chained to.

"I remember this room," he said. I looked at the floor.

" How much do you remember about it?" I asked hesitantly, realizing after I asked that I didn't want to know the answer.

"Everything. I remember all of it. I remember watching Lillian and Justyn die, I remember that thing saying it was going to bring you here, I remember all the pain, everything," he said as he grabbed my face and forced me to look up. "I remember your eyes so swollen with tears I almost couldn't see their color," he whispered. I took a shaky breath and stepped back. He was shaking. He was terrified and shaking. And it was my fault. I left him to go sit right under where he had hung and just laid there. No one came to me, and I didn't ask anyone over.

Was I such a horrible person that I had to live with this? Even now, I could feel the pain from every injury i'd acquired through this thing. Every tear i saw fall from the eyes of those I love. Every time they cursed my name and hated me. I deserved to live with this pain, I deserved this. I'm already a horrible person. I'm already a monster. Maybe I am the creature. Maybe I am capable of causing this, and maybe i'll cause this someday. I tried to force the thought away but I knew it was true. One day the monster that I am would come out and i'll hurt everyone I care about most. I wasn't going to apologize for being this monster, when had anyone apologized for making me this way? But I was going to put as much distance as I could between everyone i loved.

"I want all of you to stay on that far wall," I said. They listened, all accept for Ryder who came over to me. "I said go over there, I don't want you here," That seemed to get through to him. He sulked over to the far wall as I whispered, " I'm too much of a danger to you all." They all eventually fell asleep and like normal, I was unable to so I lay away with nothing but my memories.

Lillian and I had made the most unusual friendship and I cherished that more than almost anything. She was the light that got me through so many hard times even when the simplest option was to leave, she stayed and helped me. She was my sister, and someone that I continuously, without fail hurt over and over. But she was too stubborn to leave. She couldn't see the monster growing inside me even when I would lay the damn thing out bare to her, she refused to see it. Refused to see how much of a danger I was to have around. Maybe she was giving me chances and if that's it then my chances should have long since ran out. When will she see that she's better off without me around? I shot her. And she remembers being shot, why can't she remember that it was me that shot her. Although knowing her she wouldn't care that it was me and would pass it off as something. She seemed so destroyed and broken. And it was my fault, and she didn't know it.

And Justyn. He's got Lillian. They don't need me anymore. I'm nothing but trouble to have around. All the times that I have caused something, or scared someone, or hurt someone in the group and not cared. Or come to him annoying the everloving everything out of him because I had no one else to go to and i'm to weak to handle my own problems. He is constantly dealing with something about me. They're all better off without me. He can stay with Lillian and comfort her and love her with a love i'm incapable of and too damaged to ever recover and be capable of. They would be better off without me. For the love of god I shot her and she remembered it and is so broken even though she doesn't know it was me that pulled the trigger. And he remembers this cell. The same cell that started all of this. I could still see his mangled body on the wall. And though he was long dead when I was injected into the nightmare it still was on me that he was there.

Victoria and Eric are new to these nightmares and have already been through some shit. They both remember the field but I couldn't recall them ever being there. I think that the creature is just trying to make them have some memory of something to get at me. They are both so good and they are just troubled by having me around. I'm a danger to my friends and family and I can't get anything right. I'm a continuous mistake. Like a broken record. I just repeat the same shit over and over and hurt everyone I care about.

And then there's Ryder. That poor child who refuses to see whats right in front of him. Refuses to see the danger i've become. Refuses to leave when i try and push him away to save him in the long run. He is too stubborn to see past his clouded judgement and realize i'm not worth having around. I try and leave, but one look at him and I can't do it. I look over at him and he's staring at me while he sits with the group. The amount of concern that I always see there shatters something in me each time. That's when I decided that I was going to do everything I could to save them. I'll fight more than I had before. If this creature's pattern is consistent then it'll want to hurt me for as long as it can, meaning it'll have to bring out rations at some point. That's when i'll make gather my plans and make one big one. I was going to try and beat this.